Our FOUR Little Ducks (formerly Our Three Little Ducks :)~

Big News for Arie!

2008-10-08T22:54:00.001-04:00

Well, today we had our "eligibility" meeting for Arie at the county's elementary school to see if he is eligible for their special ed pre-school. This will sound strange to some of you, but we were REALLY hoping he was eligible. We knew he would be close, but not sure if he would test low enough to qualify (but again, we knew that he wouldn't test well, so our fear was that he would just barely test out of it which would mean he wouldn't get the services he needs).

Anyway, he had to score low in 1 out of 5 areas to qualify and he scored low in 4 areas. So, next year he will go to school from 8am to 1pm and recieve special ed services, speech, OT, PT, and psych. It will be GREAT for him. Until then he will meet with the special ed teacher a couple hours a week. The goal is to have him caught up by Kindergarten so he can be mainstreamed into a "typical" class.

Ben went to this meeting and had a hard time hearing the results . I've been the one at most of the other evals/meetings/therapies because they are during the day, but this was a biggie. Basically there were 6 profesasionals around the table (the principal, speech therapist, psychologist, special ed teacher, and social worker). They had all evaluated him and had scores, and they took turns telling us what those scores showed. It was very hard to listen to... after all, NOBODY wants to hear that there child is delayed... but for Ben it was especially hard because he hadn't ever heard it from anyone other than me (relaying what others had said).

Anyway, I'm SO THRILLED that he will go next year! And his nunna (Elaine) is SO EXCITED that her baby brother will go to her elementary school.

It's been SUCH a long road, but I can see that light at the end of the tunnel now!!!

Phabulous Photography!!

2008-09-29T23:00:00.009-04:00

I just wanted to post a link to a GREAT photographer. She did my maternity photos, and photos of Arie (a few are above). When you enter the site, click on "portfolio", and then "future little people". There are a few photos of me (1st, 3rd, 4th). Then go to "the adored ones" and the 4th down is of me and Arie.

She's in VA, so if you ever need a photographer, CHECK HER OUT at www.dominiqueattawayphotography.com

Yes, yes, I'm still alive... and we have a new baby!

2008-09-15T21:43:00.005-04:00

Well, to put it bluntly, having 4 kids is KICKING MY ASS! I've been so busy, so the last thing on my priority list is getting on the computer. I have to fit eating in somewhere!

My new son, CIAN LEO was born late July. His name is Irish, and is actually pronounced "KEE-an". He is so sweet and he LOVES his siblings. He's 2 months old now, and is smiling at us and beginning to coo. Very sweet.

Two weeks ago we had a scare though. He developed a high fever and barking cough, so we went to the ER. He was immediately admitted, and they ran ever test under the sun. He had blood cultures and labs drawn, he was catheterized, and he had a spinal tap. After two days of IV antibiotics and negative test results he was discharged. Apparently it was all just a virus. Poor baby :( He's doing much better now.

Arie is adjusting well to his new baby brother. There has been NO jealousy really. I'm very proud of him. We've started the evaluation process to get Arie into the special needs preschool. We're fairly sure he'll qualify. Our final meeting to determine eligibility is in early October. The preschool would help him SO much, so our fingers are double crossed. Here's some shocking news: ARIE IS EATING LIKE A CHAMP!!! Just recently he has started eating pretty much everything. In fact, at some meals he eats more than Micah! I don't know what happened, but it was like a switch was flipped in him. It amazes me to hear him ask for food now. It's so wonderfully strange! He is such an angel. I hope the food battle is over for good. We wont have his feeding tube removed for a year or so though. We need to make sure that he continues to eat and grow before we remove it.

Micah and Elaine are doing great as well. Elaine is happy to have a new baby brother to play with, but she has put her request in for a girl. I've told her that she's going to have to be happy with three boys 'cuz I think we're done! Micah tells me constantly that he loves "baby Cian". He's finally ready to potty train (at 3.5 years old! ugh!), so HOPEFULLY I won't have three in diapers much longer.

I'm thinking about returning to work in January. With all the medical bills, money is tight. The LAST thing I want to do is go back to work, but I need to. I can only work once a week, but it's better than nothing. It will be good for me to get out of the house anyway.

I'm hoping things settle down soon. I'm sure they will. I REALLY need sleep. The baby still wakes every 2-3 hours, and Arie is still up for an hour or two in the middle of the night.

Anyway, it's 10pm, and I'm off to bed. Night night!

AMAZING ARIE UPDATE!!!

2008-05-08T12:24:00.000-04:00

So yesterday was Arie's 2 year check up. When he had his feeding tube placed in September of '07 ( just 7 months ago) he was WAY below the growth charts in height AND weight. He was in the 0% for both, and was malnourished (because of his refusal to eat).

As of yesterday, he is now in the 75% for HEIGHT, and the 45% FOR WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was TOTALY in shock! It's amazing what a little nutrition can do huh?!

Although he's doing a little better with eating, he is still tube fed one meal a day, and then fed 1/2 of his daily calories during the night. He will eat yogurt now, most fruit baby food, sweet potato baby food, and carrott baby food (all stage 2). He also likes chips and french fries (though I don't like to give him those).

We have our first appointment at John's Hopkins on June 19 to have him begin their feeding program. Their program is 2 months long though, and we don't live near there, so I don't know how we're going to pull that off yet. On the 19th he is just having his initial eval, so we will get the dates for the 2 month stay sometime around then.

(If you'll remember, we were going to do the Children's Hospital feeding program in Richmond, but they ar having lots of problems right now and their program isn't doing too well).

Anyway, I'm THRILLED that my little man is turning into a BIG man! His eating problems (and other problems) are nowhere near gone, but at least he's healthy now!

TESTOSTERONE WINS!!!

2008-03-07T16:43:00.003-05:00

We found out today that we're going to have another boy!!! I can't believe I'm going to have THREE BOYS (and a girl) !!! AAHHHH!!! And it is MOST DEFINITELY a boy. In fact, Ben has been calling him "John Holmes". There was no mistaken those parts!

He's measuring well, and looks healthy. We took Elaine with us to the sonogram. Poor little monkey cried when she found out :( I can't blame her though... I would cry too if I had to deal with three little brothers.

Now we're on to the big task of picking out a name. We had our girls name all lined up ("Bryn"), but obviously we need to change it! We are open to suggestions if you have any.

Arie's developmental evaluation was today.

2008-02-29T17:07:00.002-05:00

So today was Arie's second Early Intervention eval (he had when he was under a year and was about 6 months behing then). Quick history... Arie's Korean mom drank 2-3 shots of sojo per week. Not a TON, but after more research I have learned that poor nutrition can GREATLY effect how a fetus reacts to alcohol, and I'm sure that the nutrition status of his Umma (Korean mom) was not great.

I always see lots of "attachment" stuff in relation to international adoption, but nobody really EVER talks about alcohol exposure which is very common for our kids, and may be cause for lots of the problems I see and read about in the adoption community. PLEASE read below about Arie and, if your child was exposed to alcohol in-utero, read the CDC check list I provided. Let me quickly make it clear that I don't fault/blame Arie's Umma for drinking. I have never lived in her shoes, and I'm sure she did the best she could with the situation she was in. I, personally think that FAE/FASD/FAS needs to be talked about more in relation to adoption(assuming there are others whose children are coping with it) because it is a medical diagnosis, and not something to be ashamed of or something that needs to be hidden. Just my opinion.

Anyway, we have so many issues with Arie including:

-difficulty sleeping/ poor sleeping pattern
-eating aversion (as evident by his feeding tube :? )
-MAJOR hyperactivity
-clumsiness (he runs and falls, is off balance, trips, and basically just flits -about like a rabbit on crack :roll: ).
-irrational behavior/tantrums
-difficulty calming down from tantrums
-self harm such as hitting himself, pulling his own hair, scratching his face

All of this, once again, leads to a possible diagnosis of Fetal Alcohol Effects (basically the same as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome without any of the physical features). We need to have him evaluated by a geneticist (from what I've been told) to get an official diagnosis, but he is probably still too young for that.

Here is a link for more info on Fetal Alcohol Effects or Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder from the CDC: www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/fas/fasask.htm

And here is a list of symptoms/signs from the CDC:

Small size for gestational age or small stature in relation to peers
Facial abnormalities such as small eye openings
Poor coordination
Hyperactive behavior
Learning disabilities
Developmental disabilities (e.g., speech and language delays)
Mental retardation or low IQ
Problems with daily living
Poor reasoning and judgment skills
Sleep and sucking disturbances in infancy

Ok... onto Arie. Well Arie (now 22 months) was assessed as falling between a 12month - 18m level, so he was shown to be functioning at a 15m level with global delays in social, gross motor, fine motor, speech, feeding. There were some things between 12-15m level that he couldn't do, and some between 15-18m that he could do.

They are going to do a PT eval because of his clumsiness and poor balance, but most likely all of that (and everything else) is due to attention/ lack of self-regulation/ hyper activity/ sensory integration.
So I guess we're in for lots of Occupational Therapy in addition to all of the Feeding Therapy (which includes speech, and Psych) that he's already getting. AHHHHH!!! :shock:

That's pretty much it. They are also going to test his hearing because of the balance problems, but I'm fairly certain the results will be normal.

He is such an energetic happy boy most of the time. I hope that I am giving him everything he needs to succeed in life. It's hard because I'm scared that I'm missing something. UGH!

Thanks for your continued prayers and support the past year +. It's been a bumpy road, but hopefully he will soon be getting all of the services that he needs.

Attention Mr. Pepto

2008-02-17T20:37:00.004-05:00

Who's brilliant idea was it to make Pepto Bismol HOT FREAKIN' PINK??? Let's just think about this for a second. Your sweet little daughter is complaining of a stomach ache. After dragging your exhausted butt out of bed (where you've been laying for all of 3 minutes) you find some medicine that may or may not help, but will at least stop the whining for a bit. After giving your sweet child the brightly-colored-flamingo-pink-liquid you return to bed and fall fast asleep.

Fast forward to 5:00 a.m. In walks your sweet child saying that her "throat hurts" (huh? throat? What happened to "tummy"?) After pondering what to do for about 5 seconds your sweet child turns into "Reagan" from The Exorcist movie and projectile vomits ALL OVER YOUR BED AND FLOOR. Thankfully the sore throat is gone (because 5 year olds can sometimes get their body signals mixed up thereby thinking nausea = throat ache), but now you have a flourescent mess to clean up. After scrubbing the stains on the floor three times with LOTS of Oxyclean, the hot pink mess has finally turned into a nice subtle pale pink. At least it matches my room now.

So to the makers of Pepto Bismol, I would like to offer a suggestion. CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE CLEAR DYE-FREE MEDICINE??? Isn't that common sense???

Leave it to me.

2008-01-15T22:43:00.000-05:00

So last night I got up to pee at 3am. While leaving the bathroom I walked right into the door frame, broke my toe, and fell to the floor crying.

Off the the ER I went...they know me now. Turns out I "spiral fractured" my 4th toe, and it's so bad that the doctor wants to put pins in it. He said we can wait a week and see how "buddy taping" it goes (where you tape it to a non-broken toe), but if it's not much better in a week, I have to have surgery.

I'm on crutches and I have to wear one of those blue-velcro-shoe-thingies on my foot. Here is my question to ponder:

Have you EVER known someone to break a TOE and need surgery for it???? Ever??? Leave it to me.

Aside from waking to pee a hundred times a night, and walking into walls, my pregnancy is going fine. I"m still getting sick on and off, but things are much better now. I've lost 4 lbs, but that's typical for me. I only gained 18 lbs with Micah and he weighed 8 lbs+. I'm 11 weeks now... this pregnancy is FLYING by to me. Although I've been SUPER sick with nausea I really enjoy being pregnant. I'm sorta sad that this is the last one (though I'm VERY content with the idea of 4 kids!).

I have yet to make an appointment with the breast surgeon to discuss the "mass" seen on the MRI. I think I'll wait until after I'm 12 weeks. I don't really know why, it just feels right to me.

I worry about how Arie will feel once he's older and understands that he is our only adopted child. I have a hard time imagining myself in his shoes... it's just not possible. I don't know. I pray it's not as hard for him as I think it might be. Only time will tell.

I realize this post is all over the place, but I'm on percocet, it's 11pm at night, and I was awake all of last night trying to ignore the throbbing in my foot. I'm off to dreamland now!

And now for the BIG NEWS!

2008-01-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

Now that we've had a chance to tell all of our family, I can share with you all!

The day before Thanksgiving I found out that.... IM PREGNANT! Yes, the picture above is my 8 week ultrasound picture. We were NOT planning on getting pregnant any time soon, but we are excited. It took a couple of weeks for the shock to wear off, but it's gone now, mostly.

I'm due August 1st. I'm 9 weeks now, and I turn 10 weeks on Friday. I have no idea how I'm goin gto handle four kids all so young, but I guess I'll manage.

As for the breast biopsy, it had to be canceled because it's not safe for the baby to do an MRI. I will soon be meeting with a breast surgeon to go over my options, but my doctor thinks that he will just wait until after I deliver to do any further testing. Apparently things "look" benign, but because of my family history, they can't be sure until a biopsy is done.

So that's the scoop! Sorry I've kept you waiting for so long.

Tough as nails???

2007-11-26T20:35:00.000-05:00

You know that saying, "God only gives you what you can handle"?? Well, God must think I'm She-Ra because he has given me a LOT!!! Things just got VERY interesting in our lives. The breast biopsy had to be canceled due to some interesting circumstances. I can't go into detail yet, but things are SUPER crazy right now. When I'm able to tell you more, I will! I'm really upset that the biopsy won't be done, because if there IS cancer, we won't know now. But I understand why it had to be canceled. Anyway, I would still appreciate any prayers you can send my way!

I need your prayers.

2007-11-17T22:03:00.000-05:00

As you know, my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 37 (she is a 2 year survivor now). Because of her history, and because my mother died at a young age from Ovarian Cancer, I get checked out by doctors quite frequently.

I had a breast MRI done about 2 weeks ago. On the MRI they saw a "suspicious spot" and recommended a "breast biopsy". So, on November 30th, I will go have as MRI guided needle biopsy of my Right breast.

I'm terrified. Not so much of the biopsy, but the results. I don't even want to think about it. After loosing my mom at 13 years old, I know how HORRIBLE it was growing up without her, and I FEAR for my kids. I know that I'm thinking too far ahead, but I can't help it. I'm worried.

I will update when I have the results. In the meantime, I hope you have a HAPPY THANKSGIVING. My sister had a Breast MRI done the day before mine and hers was "crystal clear" according to her doctor, so for that, I am thankful.

Blessings,

Ryan

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

2007-10-31T11:41:00.001-04:00

Happy Halloween everyone! I hope you all have a great evening! Belle, Yoda, and Captain Jack Sparrow plan on getting (and giving) LOTS of candy. And their father, who is absolutely obsessed with Halloween, plans on scaring the $hit out of all of the neighborhood kids. He, by the way, is the one who carved the pumpkins. It only took him 3 hours to do. But that is nothing in comparison to the amount of time he has spent decorating the front of our house. We have spiderwebs (from the ground up to our roof), a graveyard (8 tombstones), a lit archway, PLENTY of bones and skeletons, a spinning hanging pirate/skeleton, a 6 foot tall animated pirate that moves and talks, strobe lights, fog machines, dry ice, fake blood, and more. I will do my best to get pictures, because it truly is ridiculous BUT very cool!

2007-10-19T14:40:00.000-04:00

Arie's up to 21 pounds 13ounces now!!!!!!!! Can you believe it??

2007-10-16T13:23:00.000-04:00

20 POUNDS NOW!!! I'm so happy!!! He's by no means "chubby", or even remotly big, BUT I am starting to be able to tell a difference. 12 month waists are ALMOST fitting!

He's getting bigger!!!

2007-10-11T16:50:00.000-04:00

I forgot to post this picture earlier... this was pre-surgery, but Naso-Gastric tube and all, he kept smiling!
Arie earlier this summer on his first bike.

So, we've been home for a couple of weeks now, and I'm THRILLED to say that Arie has already gained 2 lbs!!! He's up to 20 lbs now. In the past (pre-tube) it took him an average of 2 months to gain 1 lb, so 2lbs in 3 weeks is a HUGE improvement!

We had lots of problems the first week. Apparently we had a defective tube and the port would become detached from the end of his tube feed bad and spill tube feed/ gastric contents everywhere. We were bathing him in the middle of the night almost every night, changing sheets like crazy, etc etc etc. One night I ended up bathing him 3 times because of it. This was the last straw, and I finally called the doctor. We went in, and he switched out the end of the tube (where the ports are) with a new section... no leaks since! I wish I had gone in sooner :(

Thanks God we have not had any issues with Micah or the dog yanking on it. (I cringe just to think about it). Arie's next surgery is scheduled for December 5th when he will have a Mic-Key button placed. (A Mic-Key is is skin level so there won't be a tube hanging off of him at all times... only during feedings).

Well, I'm off to tend to Micah who's Asthma is acting up. Ahhh.... the life of a stay at home mom. :)~

Home again, home again.

2007-09-23T18:50:00.000-04:00

Right before surgery with a naso-gastric tube going down his nose into his tummy.
Right after surgery, still out from anesthesia.
Back in his hospital room.
Close up of his belly.
Oma and Opa visiting their youngest grandson
Arie came home on Saturday. He's doing MUCH better and seems very happy to be home. I think adjusting to the new feeding tube is more of an issues for mommy and daddy than for him! It's pretty time consuming, and I feel like all I ever do is feed him either by food bottles, food by mouth, or food by tube.

Pain wise he is much better. We're just giving him Tylenol, Zantac, and his antibiotic now (through the tube... a HUGE blessing for a baby who HATES meds!).
We've already given him a few feedings, but the one last night (during the night) was AWFUL. The tube became unattached over night, so he woke up SOAKED with liquid. We finally figured out what we did wrong, so hopefully that wont happen again. He gets fed via. tube after every meal, and all night long.

My biggest fear is that he will roll around all night long and either strangle himself with the tubing or yank it out. Ben's biggest fear is that our really really stupid English Bulldog "Gertie" will see it and think it's a toy. Yuck.
I'll just keep my fingers crossed about all of that.

Update... still in the hosptial.

2007-09-20T23:24:00.000-04:00

Arie is still in the hospital... he had surgery today (this AM). Everything went well, his endoscopy was normal, and he now has a PEG feeding tube in place. He's on Morphine for pain. Hopefully he will be discharged Sat or Sunday.

We did learn, however, that they want Arie admitted to an inpatient feeding program for anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. There is a great hospital in our state with a wonderful feeding program that we (and the doctors) are looking at. Apparently the rest of us would stay at the Ronald McDonald house. There is no rush to do it, so perhaps we will do it over the summer. I just can't imagine leaving Elaine and Micah for more than a couple of days. It's been so hard being away from home these past couple of weeks (between my hospitalization and Arie's).

Please keep up the prayers that all goes well. I have LOTS of pics, but I've gotta run, so I'll post them later next week.

To the hospital we go... again.

2007-09-17T20:39:00.000-04:00

Sigh.
Well after my first hospitalization post-tonsillectomy, I came home only to be met with the stomach flu. Needless to say, I ended up back in the hospital for a grand total of (in 1 week) 3 ER visits, 2 separate admissions, and 3 nights on the unit. I came home Saturday. What a horrible horrible week.

But the fun doesn't stop there, folks. Tomorrow (Tuesday) Arie will be admitted to prepare him for surgery on Wednesday. That will most likely be followed by three more nights in the hospital. Unfortunately the hospital he will be at is about 1 - 1.5 hours away from our house, so I won't be able to come home much at all to see my other kiddos. It's going to be a hard few days. I'm so scared for Arie, but confident that he will do alright. Prayer would be appreciated!

I'll update when we get "released"!!

2007-09-12T19:02:00.000-04:00

I went back to the ER yesterday afternoon and was admitted. I was throwing up all evening. Turns out I have the stomach flu on top of the tonsillectomy, so keeping pain meds down and keeping myself hydrated was not an option. I stayed last night and was supposed to stay tonight too, but we don't have any help at home with the kids. Our neighbors have been lifesavers, but they all have kids of their own and obviously aren't able to just STAY at my house. My in-laws have a bar-b-q or something to go to and apparently think I should be feeling fine by now, so they aren't offering any help. Don't even get me started on that right now.

Arie will be having his feeding tube placed a week Friday. We were going to do it tomorrow, but I'm still in too much pain to devote all of my time to him, and Ben has to work this weekend to make up hours he's missed this week because of me. Arie will be in the hospital for 3-4 days. Lets just HOPE I'm better by then. From what I hear (from other adults that have had their tonsils out) the severe pain lasts about 2-3 weeks and then tapers off.

I'm off to take my next dose of meds!

Oh the pain.

2007-09-11T11:09:00.000-04:00

If I was able to choose natural childbirth vs. an adult tonsillectomy, natural childbirth would win (and yes, I've experienced both). Lets just put it this way. I have been on enough pain meds to tranquilize a giant horse. In the PACU after my surgery on Friday I was given Morphine, Demerol, Dilaudid, Vistaril, Lortab, and Versed... plus a few others that I don't remember. Those eventually got my pain level tolerable so that I could go home.

Well, now, 4 days later, the Demerol and Lortab I'm on are making me vomit. So last night I went to the ER because I had NO PAIN control because I was throwing up all my meds, and I was beyond dehydrated. So I got an IV and was given Zofran (for nausea) and more Dilaudid. I was also given the option of being admitted, but since I have three kids and not much help from family, I "chose" to come home. I was given a new prescription for Oxycodone... and with that given new hope that my pain would be controlled AND I would be able to keep down whatever I manage to ingest.

At 2am I woke up in HORRIBLE pain. So bad that I could hardly breath. The oxycodone isn't' helping at all. I might as well be drinking water. So here I am, back on the meds that make me nauseous... the Lortab and Demerol. I'm just waiting to puke again. I'm so so miserable. I have the kids at home with me (minus Elaine who is in school). The ER doc said he would admit me at any time if I came back in because of the pain... problem is, dogs don't make good babysitters and I don't have any family that cane stay overnight for a couple of nights. Ben doesn't have any PTO left at work, so basically I'm up shit's creek without a paddle.

At least with natural childbirth it's over in a few hours.... my doctor told me this morning that I can expect to be in this amount of pain for 7 - 10 days. Only 3-7 days to go. Oh, and FYI- tonsillectomies are WAY HARDER on adults than children... so if you know anyone who will be getting one as an adult, HELP THEM OUT A LOT!!!! The amount of pain involved is unimaginable.

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder

2007-09-08T22:54:00.000-04:00

After spending more and more time researching Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, it is becoming clear to me, my husband, and Arie's doctors that this is, in fact, the culprit to his lack of growth, feeding issues, difficulty sleeping, mild delays, and raging tantrums. He fits the mold perfectly.

While I'm super sad to know that this could have been prevented, I'm happy to at least have an EXPLANATION for his behaviors. I feel like now we have a starting point and we know which direction to take with help and therapy. Although Arie's birth mom drank alcohol during her pregnancy I hold no ill feelings toward her of course. In fact, we were open to alcohol exposure. Perhaps she was unaware of the possible outcome of repeated alcohol use, or perhaps it is social custom, perhaps she needed to drink to cope with her life situation at that time... who knows. All I know is that I'm blessed to be the one to love him daily and help him learn to work with his issues.

Anyway, I'm trying to find some good books to read about FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder), FAE (Fetal Alcohol Effects), or ARND (Alcohol Related Neuro-Deficits). Any good links about this would be appreciated too! Also, are there other families out there coping with this?? I realize that some of you may want to keep this part of your child's "story" private, but I tend to look at it with a medical perspective. After all, it's a diagnosis that can effect many aspects of a persons life. I also don't think it's something to be ashamed of or hidden. I think it would be great if the families coping with this diagnosis could talk/ share stories/ share ideas and learn from each other!

Failure to Thrive, and a whole lot more.

2007-09-05T15:42:00.000-04:00

Baltimore Aquarium September 2007

I have SO MUCH to write about... I'm just going to re-cap our summer, and then get into Arie's issues!

What a summer. I have been running around like a headless chicken ALL SUMMER LONG! I'm glad it's finally over, and SUPER glad that school has started. We had a summer filled with vacations, swim lessons, cheerleading, summer camps, and of course a nice long visit to Grandma's house! It has been one thing after another this summer, so I apologize to all of my friends who I haven't kept in contact with (like YOU Kelley!!)... I hardly have time to pee.

Anyway, Elaine has started Kindergarten and is doing well. The first few days she had some trouble "listening" and was disciplined, but I think she gets it now. I hope anyway. She has some new friends, and she is fitting right in. She is cheering for the county now. She LOVES it, and she always gets to be the "top" for the stunts, so she thinks that's cool. The only bad side effect of her cheering is that she walks around all day saying cheers and chants to herself. She looks a little psychotic, but then, don't we all? She (and Micah) took a month of swim lessons. We started Elaine off in Pre-school II, and by the end of the month they had moved her up 4 levels to Level 4. She swims like a fish, she can jump off the diving board, she can retrieve objects off of the bottom of the deep end... she is amazing to watch!

Micah started pre-school today. It's just right across the street, so he knows everyone in his class really well. As expected, he did fine. He's had a pretty uneventful summer. He went to the ER a couple nights ago with a high fever (104) and LOTS of vomiting, but he's doing just fine now. He didn't do quite as well as Elaine in the pool. In fact, he cried A LOT and acted like he was dying... but we persisted anyway! He's such a big boy now, and he is FINALLY fighting back with Elaine. We always told her that "one day her brother would fight back"... well, the time has come! Unfortunately, his "fighting back" doesn't end with Elaine, and he has turned into a bit of a bully. Oops.

Onto Arie. Well... today was the "big appointment" with the pediatric gastroenterologist. We have been waiting for this for MONTHS. Arie is hardly gaining weight, and now he is not really growing much taller (he's 16 months old now and his W= 18 lbs, H= 29 in). We feel like we're not getting anywhere with the feeding clinic at Children's... they have sort of dropped the ball on Arie and he's continuing to fall off the charts.

Our doctor today was amazing. I started by explaining Arie's history (his in utero history as well as his medical history in Korea) and went all the way up to current time. I told him how we've been instructed to change formula a gazillion times, how we are no longer giving him dairy and soy (just IN CASE he's intolerant to them... we know he's not allergic), and how his stool is so acidic that is burns right through his skin. I also explained that I was really unhappy that he hasn't been tested for much. Yeah, Children's did some lab work and an upper GI/Barium swallow, but it didn't really tell us much. Why haven't they continued to look for a cause to Arie's lack of weight gain and his "Failure to Thrive" (which, by the way, is his OFFICIAL diagnosis).

So, the doctor told me the following (in so many words): He believes that Arie's eating issues ARE IN FACT behavioral (no surprise to us), and not technically "medical". He thinks that all of the tests we are going to do over the next two weeks will be negative... but we should do them anyway to rule out things such as Celiac Disease, Cystic Fibrosis and Crones Disease. Well, you ask, why does Arie have a behavioral eating disorder? Possibly because Arie was exposed to a significant amount of alcohol in utero. He doesn't have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but he does have Fetal Alcohol Effects. The thing with FAE is that there is no way to say FOR SURE that the exposure to alcohol is the culprit of his Failure to Thrive, but most likely (in Arie's case anyway) it is. So over the next two weeks Arie will have more blood work drawn, have an endoscopy (tube with a camera down the throat), and a sweat test (to rule out Cystic Fibrosis).

Because of Arie's eating problems, he is becoming increasingly malnourished. At one point, a few months back, he was "marginally" meeting his caloric needs, but now he no longer is. Even with all of the supplementing with Duocal and calorie boosting with his formula, he's not taking in enough. In fact, because of all of the carbs he's getting from the Duocal, the doctor is fairly confident that THAT is the reason for the acidic stool... carbs turn into sugar which then decrease stool pH. So, after all of the tests, we will be switching him to a different formula (perhaps Pediasure?). Currently Arie is 16 months old and still on Alimentum... an infant formula. Back to the malnourishment. Arie has ALWAYS had trouble gaining weigh, but he was still growing in height. That is a good sign. Well now his height is starting to taper off which means that he is moving further into a stage of malnourishment. So, in two weeks, Arie will be having a feeding tube placed in his stomach. This will allow us to insure that he is getting proper nutrition, and at the same time we can work with the therapists to get him to eat better/more. He would have the tube placed sooner (the Dr. suggested tonight!) but I am having my tonsils removed on Friday, and that's supposed to be a pretty painful recovery. Ugh.

Anyway, I know it sounds awful, but I am SO RELIEVED that he will be getting a feeding tube. It has been so hard to watch him melt away. Although some meals go great, many are a struggle filled with tears from both of us. I am constantly worrying about him and his health. I am at my wits end, and I just can't do it anymore. It has been a rough year trying to get him to eat. Unless you've lived it, you have NO IDEA how frustrating it is. Now that his height is slowing down (too much) I know this is the right decision. The doctor we are going to is one of the best in our area, and I just feel like a big weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

He will be in the hospital for a couple of nights, and hopefully all will go well. The tube will stay in for a least a few months, possibly a couple of years... who knows. Basically is is inserted sort of near his belly button (a few inches over) and we will be injecting some form of liquid nutrition directly into his stomach. HE will also be able to eat normally too.

I'll be sure to post when I have a surgery date! Thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers! I'm so glad to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

UPDATE: Arie's eating nightmare continues.

2007-06-23T16:13:00.001-04:00

Well, yesterday we went to another feeding clinic visit. At (almost) 14 months old, Arie weighs 17lb 7oz. I cried. I was SURE he had gained more weight than that. He only gained 1 lb in 3 months. He will NEVER face forward in a car seat at this rate! He did grow about 3 cm in length though, so that's good. That's pretty much the only thing saving him from a feeding tube at this point.

Apparently though, he is taking in enough calories but still not gaining weight, so it's sort of a puzzle. We had blood work drawn, but naturally, somehow the results got lost. Children's Hospital can't find the results and the lab said they have "no record" of it. ARGH! The lab work is to check for metabolic abnormalities. They are also going to test him for Celiac Disease (a severe gluten sensitivity?). He has a few of the symptoms including failure to thrive and chronic diahrrea.

So, they came up with this whole new plan. They switched his formula from soy to Alimentum, which is super expensive, and they have decided to eliminate all dairy and soy from his diet to see if he has a dairy or soy intolerance (not allergy). Here is my problem with this... the ONLY fattening things he eats are yogurt, cheese, and butter! I have no idea how to pack on calories now. But, whatever. We are still concentrating his bottles (3 scoops of formula to 5 oz water). We also add powdered fat (called Duocal... also super expensive) to his bottles. In addition to that, we add a scoop of Alementum and a scoop of Duocal to every 4 oz. jar of food he eats.

They also want me to reward every bite he takes by turning the tv. on and off. For example, if he takes a bite the tv goes on... stays on for a few seconds (as a reware) and then gets turned off. If he takes another bit it gets turned back on again. Well, I just don't know how I'm going to do that! I have two other kids (2 and 5 y.o.) who are both HIGH maintenance during meals.

I'm getting so frustrated. He really is eating much better now and we've been working SO hard at it. I'm frustrated that he's "taking in enough calories" but still not gaining weight. I also feel like the feeding clinic is still focusing on getting him to eat and not looking hard enough for a medical cause. Granted his eating isn't great but it's better.

FYI- he drinks abotu 12oz formula per day, and eats about 12-16oz food per day. And he's 14 months old (I know I already said that, but felt the need to restate it!)

Anyway, I will keep you all updated. I just want an answer at this point... something to guide us, you know?

Thanks for listining!

Insight

2007-06-17T13:59:00.000-04:00

Taken From.. http://www.pactadopt.org/press/articles/straight.html

Straight Talk
by Liza Steinberg

For me, being adopted is part of who I am. It is a part of my life experience. I have heard much anger and defensiveness from adoptive parents when adoption is talked about in a negative way or compared to a negative experience. These voices usually say things like, "Adoption, for our family, was a wonderful experience," or "Our family was formed through adoption and to talk about that negatively is saying our family isn't OK," "Adoption brought joy to our family." These statements are all true but they are not acknowledging the whole truth of adoption. What has been left out is the loss, the pain of loss and the struggles of dealing with this pain and loss every single day and minute. This loss is the experience of the adopted person.

Before I was adopted, I was separated from two families, my birth mother's and my birth father's. Two sets of people with whom I shared physical traits, characteristics and mannerisms. Two groups of people who, as society tells me over and over, are the most important people in my life and with whom I will have the strongest "bond." In my case, I was also separated from something else: my culture and my race. These losses are with me every day. These losses are part of my experience. These losses have been the hardest and most painful things I have dealt with in my life. And they are huge.

When I hear adoptive parents being horrified at a comparison of their child's experience to something as horrifying as a war, I am horrified that they think it could not be that bad. When I hear someone say it is distressing to hear such a negative comparison to adoption, I am just as distressed to imagine comparing it to something great.

What I have discovered is that for many people it is not always OK to say these negative things about adoption. I think that people interpret the negative (real) talk about adoption to mean that I wish I weren't a part of my family. Or that I am not connected to my family. Or maybe even that my mom and dad did something wrong by adopting me. Or that it means that I am not grateful. But you know what, I am not "grateful" that I had to be adopted. I am not "grateful" that I have to struggle with the loss of my birth family and that identity. And I don't feel "wonderfully lucky" that I was raised in a culture different from the one I was born into. What I do feel is that I love my mom and dad very much. I do feel totally connected to them. I wouldn't trade my family for any family in the world and I don't wish they were someone other than they are. I don't wish that I didn't have to participate in family events (well... about as much as anyone) and I feel totally supported by my family.

My biggest wish in the world is that we could talk honestly about adoption. All aspects of it. I wish that we could acknowledge the wonderful gift it brings to all of our lives as well as the tremendous loss and the horrific fear and confusion. I wish that children growing up adopted could know that, as well as feeling grateful and blessed, it is OK and normal to feel angry, seared, abandoned, out of control and totally alone. Like "being kidnapped or taken prisoner by invading armies. Or forced to migrate to another country or separated from what you call home." Don't you think that if children knew that it was OK to have negative feelings, they might feel comfortable and safe expressing all of their feelings?

LOTS of PICTURES!!!

2007-06-04T10:37:00.000-04:00

Here are LOTS of pictures! Some are from Disney World, some from Elaine's preschool graduation, and some are just random pics. Enjoy!

Oh CRAP... litterally... graphic pics, so beware.

2007-05-21T22:07:00.000-04:00

I was bad when I was a kid. I mean REALLY bad. My mom always said that she hoped that one day I would have a child as rotten as I was. Well mom.... apparently your wish has been granted.

Tonight, after I bathed the kids, I put Micah in his room while I was putting Arie to bed. Micah didn't have a diaper on because he has a little sore on his bum (and I wanted it to breathe). After about 8 minutes I went back into Micah's room and about fell over. I honestly didn't know wether to laugh or cry, but ultimately ended up laughing. Naturally Ben is in California, so, since he couldn't witness the fun for himself I took pictures. BEWARE: the pics are grapic... just be glad you didn't have to scrub it up!
(SCROLL DOWN TO SEE PICTURES)

A photo NIGHTMARE!

2007-05-18T10:58:00.001-04:00

While in Korea, Arie's foster mom gave him this beautiful hanbok. We had already bought him one also... so now we have two. Anyway, today I decided to take pics of the one she bought to send her. It's turned out to be a cry-fest. After 40 shots, I got ONE good one! He HATED the hat and ripped it off of his head the moment it touched him. After he screamed for most of the pictures, he discovered a piece of grass to chew on. But at that point his eyes were so red and puffy I just gave up. **SIGH** Anyway, here are some of the "best"..... (sorry the last one is sideways)

May 11 = "Adoption Day" in Korea

2007-05-10T14:36:00.000-04:00

In Korea that have start an awarness day called Adoption Day. It is on May 11, and the purpose is to promote domestic adoption. I think this is the 2nd year of Adoption Day.

Below is an article that was in the Korea Times. It's an interesting read, and along with taking about domestic/overseas adoption, it alsw explains why Korean families adopt girls more than boys.

05-10-2007 18:38

60% of Adoptees Accepted Overseas

By Kim Rahn
Staff Reporter

About six out of 10 adoptees are adopted overseas, despite Korean people's improved awareness on domestic adoption.

The total number of adopted children is decreasing, according to a report by the Ministry of Health and Welfare Thursday, one day ahead of Adoption Day.

As of 2006, 227,983 Korean babies were adopted. Among them, 159,044, or 69.8 percent, had new families in foreign countries, while Korean families here have adopted 68,939 children.

The number of babies adopted has been decreasing _ 4,135 in 1999, 4,046 in 2000, 4,206 in 2001, 4,059 in 2002, 3,851 in 2003, 3,912 in 2004, 3,562 in 2005 and 3,231 last year.

Korea has been called the ``country exporting babies'' due to the large number of children sent overseas for adoption. Overseas adoption, although the annual number fell below 2,000 in 2006 with 1,899 babies, still takes up the greater portion _ 58.8 percent.

Domestic adoptions are also decreasing, with 1,770 children in 2001, 1,564 in 2003 and 1,332 in 2006.

``Many Koreans still do not accept adoption as they place importance on bloodlines, which is very important in Confucian culture,'' a staff member of the Mission to Promote Adoption in Korea said.

The gender of domestic adoptees reflects such recognition. In 2006, 63.6 percent of babies adopted in Korea were girls, as boys, who would be listed on the family register, could face conflict with other siblings and relatives in inheriting parents' assets or dealing with other family affairs.

Domestic adoption is lower in the case of physically or mentally challenged children.
Among 38,282 disabled babies adopted by 2006, 99.2 percent or 37,989 children were adopted overseas and only 0.8 percent of them were accepted by domestic families.

To boost domestic adoption, the government eased restrictions starting January _ single people, and married people who are 60 years old are now allowed to adopt; the previous age gap limit was 50.

The government also plans to support all nursery costs for adoptees starting next year. It will also provide from 100,000 to 300,000 won in preschool fees for adopted children per month.

rahnita@koreatimes.co.kr

WE'RE OFF TO NEVER NEVERLAND!!!

2007-04-24T15:31:00.000-04:00

We leave for Disney tomorrow! We're all so excited but B_U_S_Y!!! I will post pics when we get back. Obviously my blog has fallen by the way side. I have so many things to update, but so little time. In a nut shell, Micah is doing fine, Arie is still having issues eating... BUT he will be 1 in about a week! I quit my job :( I shed lots of tears over that decision but I think that in the long run it's better for my kids.

Ok, we're off to see the mouse!

BABY JAMES... METASTISIS

2007-04-05T20:46:00.000-04:00

James' cancer has spread to his liver. He now has Stage IV cancer (the worst). PLEASE pray for him. His mommy recieved his referral right around the time I recieved mine (from the same agency I think). I can't even imagine how scared his family is. Wow. I'm just shocked and so sad. Please stop by her blog and offer some words of support: http://jrjschrandt.blogspot.com/

No... I didn't fall off the face of the earth!

2007-04-04T20:55:00.000-04:00

Wow... I have been SO busy recently. My life has just gotten out of control. Lets see, where to begin.

Well, for starters Micah is doing MUCH better. I was a very paranoid mama for about 5 days. Every time I looked at him I evaluated and assessed him. It's really hard not having any answers to all of my "why" questions, but I'm learning to move past that. We have yet to schedule the appointment with the Pulmonoligist and the Allergy Specialist. I need to get a move on and get that done! That whole ordeal was just SUCH a scare... I hate to even take my mind back there.

Arie had another feeding clinic visit. He has only gained 8oz in the past 2 months, so at 11 months old he now weighs 16lbs. The odd thing is that he is actually taking in enough calories now, so his doctors are going to do more lab work (sigh) to check for metabolic problems. In addition to adding powered formula to all of his foods and concentrating his bottles, we are now adding powdered fat/carbs (called Duocal) to any liquid he takes in. Making his bottles is like a chemistry experiment minus the explosions. The concern with his weight is not that he is small but that he isn't gaining weight on a consistent scale... 8 oz. in two months (for an infant) is just not that much. So that's the news on Arie.

With all of the health needs of the boys, I have been reevaluating my life. I have been so overwhelmed recently with so many different things. Micah turning blue, Arie and his eating, Elaine and her "I'm the boss" attitude, keeping up with my job requirements, house work, working at the gym (I work in the child care room 2 hours a week), etc etc etc. I am just getting so worn down, so I've decided to prioritize my life.

On April 1st I turned in my resignation letter at work. I have been tossing the decision back and forth for two years now, but after the medical crisis with Micah, I decided enough was enough. I have been a Labor and Delivery nurse for 6 years, and I LOVE it. I am so thankful that I was able to help so many lives enter into this world. I plan on returning once at least two of my children are in school. My last day is April 21st, and I don't work between now and then. It's going to be such a bitter-sweet day. Bitter because I'm leaving a job I love and one that I'm proud of, and sweet because I am blessed and financially able to stay home with my children. I cried the whole way home from work on Sunday... I will truly miss my co-workers and the patients.

In addition to leaving my job I have also been spending FAR LESS TIME on the computer. Basically if I leave any two of my children in a room together someone gets hurt, so I have to constantly referee them. They are all so cute, but WOW, they can exhaust me!!!

I will still be updating my blog, just not as often as I use to. I'm on a search for a less chaotic life. I want my kids to grow up and remember their mommy as someone who was happy and full of life, not someone who was grumpy and stressed out all of the time. Let the search begin!

After 4 days... Micah is home!

2007-03-25T11:13:00.000-04:00

Wow... I just have to start out by saying that I have NEVER been so scared in my LIFE. Really.

Ok...so... Micah was discharged from the hospital yesterday late afternoon. He's doing well aside from being really fussy and exhausted. Here is what they think may have happened, though the doctors admit it's a "far fetched" explanation:

I'm going to start from the beginning. Micah started getting sick about 3 weeks ago (around March 5th). About a week later he was diagnosed with pneumonia and a HORRIBLE ear infection (March 12th I think) and given a shot of Rocefin in the office, followed by prescriptions for Augmentin, neb treatments, and ear drops. After being on all of those meds for a week we thought he was getting better. He hadn't been acting that sick at all, and wasn't even coughing much. So Monday March 19th we went in for another follow up. He had a low-grade fever (99.8) and his ear and chest still didn't look/sound good, so the doctor ordered two more weeks of the same meds. The following evening, Tuesday evening (March 20), Micah developed a fever of 102.5. I called the doctor because I was concerned that he had a fever even though he was currently taking one antibiotic and had received the shot of the other antibiotic. The doctor said "don't worry, if he's already on antibiotics then he's covered. Unless it's a virus." Apparently those were the key words!

Wednesday afternoon, around 2pm, we were in the play room and I noticed that his fingernail beds were slightly blue. I kept feeling his hands thinking maybe he was just cold, but they were warm. Then his lips started turning blue. Same thing... I kept thinking he was cold. After about 5 minutes of that he started to really get blue... it was progressing up his hands and now it was around his lips. I ran upstairs with him and sat him in the chair to do a nebulizer treatment (because it would help open up his airway). At the same time I called my sister and while I was on the phone with her he got more and more blue until his hands were completely blue and his face was blue and grey. My sister said to hang up and call 911, so I did... and then called my neighbor Christine. Christine ran over and sat with Micah while I got things ready for the hospital. Micah was fading in and out so she worked at keeping him awake/responsive. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the rescue squad came. The put a face mask on him with oxygen and off we went to the hospital (by the way, the paramedics were calling him a "blueberry".) By the time we got to the hospital he was pink again, but his temp was 105.1 (and just to re-cap his other vitals were sky high as well). In my 7 years of nursing, I have NEVER seen a temp that high! He was SO hot. They tried 5 times to get a line in him, and finally had to start it in his foot. They drew blood cultures, labs, and did a chest x-ray. They showed us the x-ray and said that he had "retro-cardiac pneumonia". Then we were sent by ambulance to a bigger hospital (because the one we were at was a small community hospital).

For 3 nights we were there, and Micah was still really sick for the first 2 nights. He was still having fevers, but the GOOD thing was that his oxygen saturation never dropped, so he didn’t' turn blue again. More tests were done including a 12-lead EKG and an Echo-cardiogram of his heart. Both were normal (THANK GOD!). Then, Saturday afternoon, after 24 hours of being fever free, he was discharged.

The doctors still aren't sure what happened. The doctors at the second hospital think that the x-rays were just blurry from the first hospital and that he never actually had the "retro-cardiac pneumonia" that the first hospital said he had. We had his primary group, the Infectious Disease doctor, and a bunch of residents following him, and the general consensus came to be... (and here is where the "far-fetched" explanation comes in)... They think that while he was recovering from the pneumonia he caught a virus... since his immune system was already low from being so sick for a couple of weeks he was REALLY susceptible to it. The virus caused his fever to skyrocket so rapidly (like within an hour or two) that he vaso-constricted (meaning that his blood vessels clamped down) causing him to become cyanotic.

That's it. That's all we know. We are going to consult with a pulmonoligist to have him check for Asthma and see if that was a contributing factor or not. We also want to have him allergy tested... just because at this point I want him tested for EVERYTHING.

Last night I was too scared to let him sleep in his room, so he slept with us. I just really wish I knew why he got so sick and cyanotic. Scary scary scary.

Thank you all for your prayers and well wishes... our support network is amazing, and we are truly blessed to have such great friends and family.

Micah was taken by ambulance to the hospital.

2007-03-22T20:44:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon Micah was in the play room when I noticed that his lips and fingers were begining to turn blue. About ten minutes later his whole face was blue, and his hands were blue up to his wrists (cyanosis), he was also starting to act strange and really sleepy. I called my sister who told me to call 911 (duh!) and then I quickly gave him a nebulizer treatment to try and open his airway (he was breathing well... just fast). Also, if you'll remember, he has been really sick for a couple of weeks with pneumonia, ear infections, etc.

Anyway, the paramedics put him on oxygen in the ambulance and he was pink when we arrived at the ED. When they admitted him his vitals were:

Temp 105.1
Heart Rate 192
RR 48
Oxygen Saturation 98

The good thing is that his O2 sats (oxygen saturation) has been good since the cyanotic episode. The fever of 105 however has been an issue. The doctors at the (small community) hospital did a chest X-ray and lab work. His white count was elevated which means there is an infection. We are still waiting for blood cultures to come back. The x-ray showed "retro cardiac pneumonia" meaning that he has pneumonia behind his heart. After all the tests were done, Micah was transfered via ambulance to a HUGE hospital where he is now so that he could get better care.

They still aren't sure what's wrong. In fact, now there is dispute over weather the x-ray showed pneumonia or if it was just a blurry film . Both hospitals have their own opinions.

The Infectious Disease doctor is involved now as well, so tomorrow will bring more x-rays, lab work, and possibly a cardiac echo. Today they did a 12 lead EKG that was normal... good.

Micah's fever came back tonight, but luckily we caught it at 102.5, so it didn't get CRAZY high. He will be in the hospital at least two more nights while they monitor him and give him IV antibiotics and try to figure out some answers to #1) Why he became blue, and #2) Why his fever spiked so high. The plan is to keep him until he is fever free for 24 hours.

Prayers would be GREAT while we wait for some answers!!! Right now all we are left with is a BIG FAT QUESTION MARK.

Pictures

2007-03-20T15:30:00.000-04:00

Pics of Elaine and Micah. Some are from Elaine's 5th birthday. She got to have breakfast in bed (a birthday tradition), and she had a party at Chuck-E-Cheese's. With all of the tickets Micah won at her party, he picked out the fake "red-neck" teeth that you see in the picture above! I LOVE that picture!!! We also took pics of Micah with his nebulizer mask on (for his pneumonia). He is slooowly getting better, but not much. I"ll update more on that later. And the last picture is of Elaine pretending to be a balerina. (I refuse to put her in ballett lessons... I just can't stand watching them and I can't even begin to imagine her standing still long enough to learn anything! She does, however, take gymnastics.) Enjoy, and sorry there are no pictures of Arie this time. Elaine has been in the spot light the past few weeks!

I AM A NEW...

2007-03-19T15:26:00.000-04:00

...Discovery Toys Consultant! I have been thinking about doing this for about 2 years now, and I FINALLY decided to go ahead and sign up. The toys are great and my kids LOVE them. They are fun and educational, and each toy has many uses. As a consultant I get big discounts and free toys... AND I get to play with toys and make $$ at the same time!

I've set up MY OWN WEBSITE(through Discovery Toys) so that you can look at the toys and purchase them online. Please at least check it out. They are a great investment and I KNOW you'll love them!!! Just click on THIS LINK.

Oh how I need a BREAK!

2007-03-13T10:32:00.000-04:00

Since February 26th we have all been sick. It started with Elaine having what we THOUGHT was pink-eye. Then it went from her to Arie to me and Micah. Turns out it wasn't pink-eye but some sort of "bug". She worked through it pretty quick, but Micah and Arie got the full brunt of it.

Micah and Arie have been really sick since last Monday. I kept waiting for it to go away but it didn't. Micah (who has ear tubes) has so much drainage/blood coming out of his ear that it is LITERALLY dripping on his clothes. Both boys have goopy eyes, bad coughs, and on/off fevers.

We finally made it to the doctors office yesterday... we were there for three hours.(Me, Elaine, Micah and Arie... UGH). Micah has pneumonia and a HORRIBLE ear infection. Arie also has a bad ear infection. Arie had to get two shots of Rocefin in his legs (the amount of fluid was too much for his skinny little legs so they had to divide it), and Micah had to get one shot... but as she was giving it he kicked his leg and the needle jabbed and then he kicked again and again the needle jabbed him (it was in his skin the whole time but the direction of the needle changed so his leg is SO bruised). Then we had to give him a nebulizer treatment (face mask with liquid for 10 minutes) and Micah screamed through the whole thing while he was being held down by me(he is STRONG!!!). Now, at home, I have to give them every 4 hours... even during the night.

After our appointment we waited for our 7... yes 7... prescriptions to be filled at Wal-Mart for 1.5 hours. Long story about that too. (The doctor screwed something up). All three kids were SO exhausted and didn't get to eat lunch until 3:30.

As for me, I have a lingering cough, but nothing major. I'm beyond exhausted because all three kids have been waking up during the night the past two weeks. Elaine wakes for various reasons (nightmares about bugs, leg cramps, thirsty, etc), and the boys are obviously waking because they are sick. I've spent the days wiping snotty noses, wiping down the house with anti-microbial wipes, and dosing out medications by the bottle full. I really need a break, or at the very least a full night of sleep!

Video on Transracial Adoption

2007-03-05T22:18:00.000-05:00

Here is a video on transracial adoption. Thanks Steph for the link!

Olympic star in tearful reunion with Korean dad

2007-03-01T10:23:00.000-05:00

Toby Dawson hugging his biological father.

By Jon Herskovitz
Wed Feb 28, 9:32 AM ET

SEOUL (Reuters) - U.S. Olympic medalist Toby Dawson hugged his weeping Korean father on Wednesday when the two met for the first since he went missing 25 years ago as a toddler in a busy street market in South Korea.

Dawson, 28, became an overnight sensation in South Korea, the land of his birth, when he won the bronze in men's freestyle skiing moguls at the Turin Winter Olympics last year.

After his Olympic glory, pictures of him beaming with joy in Italy graced the front pages of local papers along with a shot of him as a sad, small boy wearing a tattered shirt at an orphanage waiting for his someone to claim him.

"I've been waiting for you for a long time," Dawson told his Korean father when they met in front of reporters.

"My life until now has been very confused," Dawson told reporters during a news conference with his father.

His biological father, Kim Jae-soo, a bus driver in the southern city of Pusan, apologized for losing his son in the market. Dawson spent several months in an orphanage before a Colorado couple, both ski instructors, adopted him.

After the Olympics, many South Koreans claimed to be Dawson's biological father. Recent DNA testing confirmed Kim as a parent.

"I'm so sorry. I went to so many orphanages looking for you," Kim said.

Dawson's biological mother divorced his father. She has been located but did not come to the reunion, local media reported Dawson's lawyer as saying.

Many children sent to orphanages come from broken homes or are born of unwed mothers, who often face scorn in South Korea for having a child out of wedlock, adoption agency officials have said.

Dawson said part of the reason he made his reunion with his father public is because he wanted to change perceptions in the country about adoption.

"I would like to change the negativity," he said, adding there were difficulties in growing up with white parents and being one of the few Asians in his Colorado town.

"I realized I was adopted every time I looked in the mirror -- or every time you go to the grocery store when people look at your parents and then look at you differently," he told a small group of foreign reporters before meeting his father.

Dawson said skiing helped him come out of his shell.

He would like to see more South Koreans adopt abandoned Korean children because of the difficulties those children can face growing up overseas.

"They are very fortunate and it is wonderful that they were given another opportunity like that. At the same time, there is a lot of confusion and a lot of heartache about who they are."

Arie Eating Update

2007-02-27T13:51:00.000-05:00

Late January we had a feeding clinic visit and Arie had only gained 1/2 of what they had expected him to gain. He was just about 9 months old and only 15lbs 13oz. They did allergy testing which was all negative, and a stool test which showed that he has acidic stool (which I knew from the AWFUL diaper rashes he gets). He also has 5-8 poops a day. WAY too many for a 9 month old. We are still working on the poop issues, but I was given new instruction for the weight issues. We now "calorie boost". We add 1 scoop of powered formula to every 4oz of baby food that he eats, and we still make his bottles with 5oz water and 3 scoops of formula. Basically we are packin' on the pounds (or at least trying!). I also buy baby food that is high in fat (Beef Noodle and Chicken Noodle are the best). After 1 month of calorie boosting, Arie (almost 10 months old now) weighs...................DRUM ROLL PLEASE...................... 16lbs 11oz!!! I cried (happy tears) when I saw the scale.

Hopefully we are headed on the right path. Our next goal is to get him to eat table food/crackers/cheerios/etc. He still ONLY does baby food... nothing else. He gags terribly with any kind of cracker or cheerio or anything, but he DOESN'T cry which is good.

He's combat crawling now too! He still can't sit himself up yet, but he's trying. Once he's in the sitting position he can stay for a while, but he doesn't really like to and quickly flops back to his belly. He's not pulling up yet or anything like that. I'm just happy that he's finally combat crawling! That's all I could ask for. Improvment is GREAT and I'm confident that in the long run he will be developmentally on target. He's just a little behind at the moment.

The boy has a TEMPER though and can SCREAM bloody murder when he's mad at something. He's also cutting 4 teeth right now (as is Micah) so they are both miserable. Funny thing is that they are both cutting some of the same teeth. Micah was a late teether and Arie was early, so there you go.

Ok, enough with the novel. My boy is GROWING UP!!!

Baby James Update

2007-02-21T15:11:00.001-05:00

On Monday Baby James had surgery to try and remove the cancerous tumors that remained on the half of the kidney he has left. While they were able to remove the tumors, they didn't get "clean margins" which means that there are still cancer cells remaining in his kidney. So basically, after many courses of chemo and 2 major surgeries, James still has cancer. It is so hard to know that this poor little guy and his family are going through so much. It really puts everything into perspective for me.

As your going through your day and something bad happens, or your get pissed off at someone, or frustrated at something, please try to remember that life is precious and every day that your healthy is a blessing. Think of what James and his family are going through, and remind yourself that whatever your experiencing, in the whole scheme of things, isn't that bad. Then stop and say a prayer for him. If you don't pray then just send positive thoughts his way. He is a beautiful boy with so much strength, and to see him going through so much at such a young age is just heart breaking. (((HUGS))) to you James and family! We're all pulling for you!

Once again, .here is a link to Baby James website. Please stop by and offer a few words of encouragment for him and his family.

Baby James Update

2007-02-21T15:11:00.000-05:00

OUCH!!

2007-02-15T11:29:00.000-05:00

The other day I had put Arie on my floor while Ben and I were tending to the other kids. A few minutes later we walked in to find Arie crying... I would be crying too if I had formula running out of my mouth and nose!

Picture Parade

2007-02-05T14:25:00.000-05:00

Here are a few pictures from the past couple of weeks. We have been SLAMMED with activity and there are no signs of slowing! I apologize ahead of time that my posts will be less often... it's hard to find 5 minutes to sit down anymore. Anyway, there are pics on here from our last (and first) snowfall of the year, pics of my dogs ("Gertie" is the English Bulldog and "Sasha" is the black dog with the satellite dish around her head), bath pics, and some other random pics. We had Arie baptised last weekend but my dad took all those pictures and I don't have them yet. Arie did well... didn't cry much. The priest, however, was not the nicest man in the world (by FAR) and completly butchered Arie's name by calling him "AIR-e SEEong-Jin"
instead of "R-E Song-Jin" as it should be pronounced. (His name is actually spelt "Arie Seong-Jin".) Anyway, here you go...

Busy.

2007-01-26T11:31:00.000-05:00

It's, once again, been a busy week. No time to write. Here is a synopsis:

Arie- had a feeding clinic visit. Up to 15lbs 13oz. Apparently he only gained 1/2 of what was expected in the past two months so now we are adding scoops of formula to all of his food to pack on the calories. We will hopefully get his allergy test results back today! And... HE'S CRAWLING!!! He's getting Baptised this weekend, so we've been busy preparing for that.

Micah- had the stomach flu. Let me tell you, that was fun. I'm still doing the laundry from that, but what's new. He still isn't eating well... no fear though, he eats like a pig when he's well so I'm not worried. He also learned the work "Shit" this week. My fault.

Elaine- told me in all her honesty that she "loves Micah more when he's sick" and she doesn't like to "hurt him as much when he's throwing up". Don't you wish she was your big sister?

Sasha- (one of my dogs) is having surgery today to remove a mass over her eye and to have her teeth cleaned. She's had a cone around her neck for a week now and she is miserable... poor puppy. We get her back this evening. I'll take pics.

That's about it! When my brain done being in overdrive I will be back!

A Little Twisted Humor

2007-01-20T10:37:00.000-05:00

This is an example of a hypothetical conversation between two women if adoption was the norm as opposed to pregnancy. This is probably only funny if you've adopted before because, like me, I'm sure you've heard all of these same comments from people who are offering their "opinion" or who are trying to be "supportive". I admit it's kind of twisted and cynical, but I still got a big kick out of reading it. Please no flames... I'm not trying to offend anyone!

- Oh, you will GIVE BIRTH to a child, how exciting! Was it because
you didn't pass the authorities' investigations? Was it you or your
husband who wasn't accepted? Ooooh, you should see, if you only give
birth now you both will become sooo much more relaxed and the
investigation will go sooo much better so that you will get your own
real adoptive child in the end as well!

- A GENETIC child, how BRAVE you are! You two have always been SO
SPECIAL! Well, but everything will for sure go sooo well anyway. You
know, I know another woman who also chose a genetic child, and that
has actually worked out very well and her child is even doing well in
school!

- And from where will you get your child? Oh yes, I forgot, you go to
the birth hospital. Oh thiiink of those days, it was like a dreeeeam,
we went to Ethiooooopia... Well... hospitals can for sure be very
interesting all... the food for example... maybe.. or the doctors'
language. Latin is interesting and not so bad to learn some from
before you go!

- How does it FEEL not being able to choose the age of your child?
And aren't you worried about all the many varieties of severe
handicaps that you will not be aware of in advance? And IMAGINE, only
nine months to prepare, wow you certainly has self assurance as a
coming parent! Myself, I would NEVER dare doing something like that!

- Fantastic, that you too will be parents! In your own little way.
Without being investigated and OK-ed by all referents, authorities
and all. Myself and my husband went through the investigation with
such an ease, and it was SO good to get that strong support by both
authorities, referents and the whole surrounding - but for sure you
will make it well anyway. You always chose your own ways!

- And yes, I guarantee that you will feel like a real mother anyway,
despite that you don't have to think about it and motivate it so
carefully. I think it is very important that you tell the child the
real truth from the beginning - that you actually have given birth to
it yourself!

1/18 Arie's Feeding Update

2007-01-18T11:22:00.000-05:00

Oh where to begin. We'll start with the good news. Arie is now eating baby food! He is doing really well and eating about 12-16oz a day. His Prevacid seems to be helping him with the reflux, though when he gets full he still gags.

Now for the bad news. Although he is eating baby food, he has lost 1lb and 3oz, taking him from 16lbs down to 14lbs 13oz (at 8 months old). The reason is because baby food has less fat and calories in it than formula has, and since he started eating food he is drinking waaaay less. That leads us to the next problem. He has slowly started drinking less and less formula. He has been getting constipated on and off as a result, and as I already mentioned he has started loosing weight.

I've been talking back and forth with the Feeding Clinic about what to do. We will be going to get him allergy tested (perhaps tomorrow??). Apparently now they can just draw blood and send it off instead of doing the whole "prick test" thing. The problem with Arie is that he has NO veins, so I'm worried that he will get stuck a million times. The last time they needed blood from him it took 2 different visits with total of 6 needle sticks and STILL no blood! They ultimately had to do it while he was under general anesthesia (for a small procedure), and even then they had to draw his blood and start his I.V. in his foot. Poor guy. So, hopefully the allergy testing will yield some answers. Aside from the eating, the other reason I think he may have an allergy is because he has a wicked diaper rash that just wont go away. We are using $40 butt-cream (and that's what we pay after insurance) to try and clear it up... and I am NEUROTIC about applying it every time we change his diaper. Anyway, I have to wonder if that's from an allergy. It's been an issue since he came home.

In terms of his development, we still haven't started P.T. I haven't heard back from the P.T. and I need to call, but the eating issues are enough to deal with at the moment. He isn't sitting yet (even when I prop him he will only sit up for about 20-30 seconds... it use to be longer) and he isn't crawling. The good news is that he is getting on his hands and knees and rocking back and forth! YEAH ARIE!

I count my blessings that he is such a sweet happy baby. I just wish that we could be done with all of the eating issues. I have to admit that I get so frustrated with him. It's horrible to just watch him starve himself and loose weight like he does... I feel like I'm doing something wrong or like it's my fault. And when I get frustrated at him it makes me feel even more upset at myself.... I should be more sympathetic, but after you've dumped 3 bottles down the drain in a day, it's REALLY hard to be sympathetic! (Not to mention that formula is not cheap!)

The nurse from the clinic is supposed to be calling me back today with some suggestions of things to try/change. I really hope that he starts gaining weight soon! He's now in the 50% for height (meaning that 50% of boys his age are shorter than him, and 50% are taller) and he is waaaay below 0% for weight (meaning that 100% of boys his age weigh more than him). He is also in the 0% on the Korean growth chart.

I've been saying the Serenity Prayer a LOT lately.... for those of you who don't know it, here it is:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage
to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference

When You Wish Upon A Star...

2007-01-17T12:04:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been MIA lately. Here's the story:

On Christmas morning, when we all woke up, we discovered that we had little kisses on our cheeks. Unsure of where they came from (because they were VERY tiny) we giggled and laughed at the site of each other. But that wasn't as much of a mystery as the glitter that was all over our house. There was a glitter trail from our front door, up our stairs and into each of our bedrooms. We were all so surprised at this. What was Santa thinking???

Well, when we followed the trail downstairs it led us to a beautifully wrapped box. Sitting around the box was a stuffed Mickey Mouse and some other Disney items. We opened the box and inside the box was a letter from TINKER BELL!!!!! She explained how she hitched a ride with Santa to our house, flew upstairs to kiss us on the cheeks (thereby leaving a trail of "pixie-dust") and then flew back downstairs to leave her gift. The letter went on to tell us that Mickey Mouse had invited us to stay at his house for a WHOLE WEEK. All we needed to do was pick the dates!!!

It was a GREAT Christmas surprise and one that the kids and I will never forget. Soooo, where have I been the past few days? I've been busy planning our vacation! We'll be going the last week of April. YEAH!!! Let me tell you though... the tickets to get into Walt Disney World cost waaaaay more than the flights to get there and back. UGH! We've learned that when you "do Disney" you just can't worry about money because it's just plain expensive. BUT, in our opinion it's worth every penny!

THANK YOU TINKER BELL!!!

YOU CAN FLY!!!

2007-01-10T13:14:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to share my favorite movie of all time. It's the live action version of PETER PAN. If you haven't seen it, you have to go out and rent it... even if you don't have children. I think the story of Peter Pan is beautiful, inspirational, and full of fantasy. There are pirates, mermaids, fairies, heros, vilians, and best of all... with a little pixie dust... FLYING CHILDREN!!!

I promise you, you won't be disapointed. Let me know what you think!

HELP! We're being eaten by the laundry montser!

2007-01-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

We're drowning in laundry!!! I'm not kidding... I should post a picture of the mountain of laundry I have to do. It literally covers the WHOLE FLOOR in the laundry room and comes up to mid-calf. It's not that I just don't do it, it's that I can't manage to get down to the basement. Our basement isn't finished, so the kids can't really go down there. If I leave them all upstairs for more than... oh... 30 seconds or so, I will inevitably come back up to two crying boys: Elaine beats up on Micah, and Micah beats up on Arie. Since Elaine is the oldest, she doesn't seem to get pummeled as often. Like my mom always use to say, "Shit rolls down-hill". That phrase definitely applies to my children.

Granted, I COULD be using nap-time to do the laundry, but nap-time is "ME" time, and as it is I only have about 15 minutes of nap-time that I get to enjoy because I spend all of the rest of nap-time straightening up the house and scraping food off of the walls. It's sad when "ME" time = peeing in private and standing by the kitchen sink to inhale a snack (these two things are NOT done together ;)~ Oh how I YEARN for the days where I could go to the store and spend 15 seconds unbuckling myself and getting out of the car as opposed to the 10 minutes it now takes me to unbuckle 4 of us, get us all "into" something pushable with wheels, wipe snot off of noses, and plug screaming mouths with pacifiers. Without my children though, life would be pretty dull.

My ideas for our healthcare system (in re: adoption)... sad story... and UPDATE on previously mentioned first-mom.

2007-01-03T20:23:00.000-05:00

This story is about a woman charged with kidnapping her biological twins. They had been adopted right after birth. I think this story says a lot about the way adoption works in the U.S. and the lack of effort put into helping first-mom's keep their children. Thank you Mia for providing the link!

By the way, the mother that I spoke of here "decided" not to parent her child. I think about her and her baby daily. Apparently there is a 10 day period in which she can change her mind... I'll never know, but I HOPE that she does. I'm sure that she didn't make an informed decision. I firmly believe that if she had more information she would have kept the baby.

Her story has encouraged me to talk with the management at my hospital and perhaps start an "Adoption Committee". The committee would have several goals:

~ To provide information about resources to help the first-mother keep her child.
~ To provide resources to first-mom's who decide to place their child (i.e. support groups, books, on-line resources, etc)
~ To help educate other health care providers on the importance of helping first-mothers make an EDUCATED and INFORMED decision.
~ To provide first-mothers who choose to place their child tangible items to take home with them such as: pictures, memory box, birth bracelets, baby blanket, etc.

Currently our hospital has a fetal demise (death) committee that provides these services and support, but there isn't anything similar for "adoption" patients. The ideas are still floating around in my head, but once I get it all organized I hope to present it to my management. I don't know of any such committee at any hospital. If you know of anything like this, please let me know! I would also love to hear your ideas about it. It would be amazing to start such a comitee and watch it spread to other healthcare institutions throughout the U.S. I know that's a stretch, but reform has to start somewhere!

2007-01-03T11:37:00.000-05:00

A "first-mother" or the "only" mother?

2006-12-30T21:03:00.000-05:00

I worked today... it was one of the hardest days in my career so far.

There was a mother (who was not my patient) that delivered her baby and had every intention of "placing" her baby for adoption. I use the word "place" because, simply, there are no good words. "Place", "give up", "relinquish"... does it really make a difference? They are all equally tragic, and honestly I don't think any of the words make a difference. Adoption for all first-mothers is a horrible situation. Anyway, because of the typical reasons, i.e. finances and social pressure, she thought she had decided to go ahead with the adoption.

Once that baby was born, however, things quickly started to change. Originally the mother had no desire to see the baby or even hold it. This was eating me up inside and I honestly couldn't stand the thought of her not seeing her baby. I KNEW that she would regret that decision. As they say, you can't say "goodbye" until you've said "hello". Well, after most of the day, the mother and the father finally decided to just look at the baby but not hold it. Naturally (and when I say NATURALLY I mean it in this case as there is a physiological link between mother and child) after she laid eyes on her brand new child, she wanted to hold it. Thankfully she had a very good nurse who brought the baby to her room, and the three of them (mom dad and baby) had alone time together.

I sat at the nurses station all day today fretting about that mother and her baby. I really wanted to go into her room and talk with her and shake her by her shoulders and tell her "YOU CAN KEEP THIS BABY! THERE ARE WAYS!!" But as a nurse, it wasn't my place... in fact, it could have damaged my career. Regardless of my opinion on what she should do (and my desire to inform her of my opinion), I made it my mission to educate my co-workers and all I have learned from the many first-mothers I have encountered, with #1 being: Many first-mothers would have kept their babies IF they had been informed of the services, resources, and support that is available, AND if they had been given a little encouragement.

As I was reading about adoption in my state, I came across a pamphlet put out by the Department of Social Services. It stated in it (paraphrasing) that the "birth-mother MUST be informed of" available resources, and alternatives to adoption. And that "anyone" can provide this information. I later encountered another nurse who had a very different opinion and felt that "the birth-mother obviously didn't care about the baby because she didn't have pre-natal care", and that if she did care about her baby she would have done everything she could have for that baby. Let me tell you, I would have spit nails if I could have. She went on to say that she has never met a birth-mother who regretted her decision, and cited some study (anyone know what this is?) where first-mothers were followed after placing their babies for adoption and they were doing fine with no regrets. I find that hard to believe, but I have no idea what she was talking about. I informed her that I know of MANY first-mothers who just WISHED that one person would have been in their corner to help them out... and as a nurse it's up to us to educate our patients and help them make informed choices.

Fast forward a couple of hours... I've now met the adoptive parents (very nice, but also very scared as can be expected) and I've seen the sweet baby. The first-mom is beginning to waiver in her "decision" and is now expressing her feelings to her nurse... social pressure, money, hurting the adoptive parents feelings, etc. I hurt for her, and was so sad to think of that baby sitting in the nursery all day by itself. It breaks my heart.

As I left today, I was torn. Should I pop into the patients room and talk with her? Should I just stay out of it? Should I talk to the social worker? I ultimately decided that it wasn't my place. I had advocated for her and her baby and tried to make sure that my co-workers saw both sides of adoption, not just the "win-win" situation that I have learned adoption ISN'T. I clocked out and walked out the front door of the hospital.

And guess who walked right by me? The first-mom and dad. I felt a rush out nervousness. All day I wanted to pass her in the hall and talk with her but I never had the opportunity. It was my chance. But I kept walking in the opposite direction, away from her (after all she had no clue who I was). It came down to my career or that family. I weighed the choices for about 20 steps, and then I turned around and went after them. I decided I would put my career on the line and just ask her one question: "What do YOU want to do? If there were no adoptive parents, if you take away the social pressures, and if resources were available, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO DO???". I never got to ask them though because I wasn't able to find them. I feel like a failure. I KNOW that they would have chosen to parent if someone jsut asked them to block out all the crap and focus on their own selves. I wanted to tell them that if they decided to parent the baby, the "social pressures" would fade after a couple of months and the potential adoptive parents would be sad but they would move on. If they decided to place the baby, they may regret it for the rest of their lives, and they would ALWAYS feel that pain, as would their child. OH I WISH I COULD HAVE TALKED TO THEM. I am so disappointed in myself. When I look at Arie I am so saddened because I know that he will always be hurt. There is a part of him that I will never be able to heal. I wish I could take that pain away from him, but I can't. I COULD have tried harder to prevent this baby from feeling that pain.

I got in my car and cried for that family. I prayed for them. I prayed that the mother would listen to her heart and do what is right for HER and her family, without worrying about other peoples feelings and opinions. I can only hope that I said something today that will go from the minds of our nurses out of their mouths and into the mind of that mother.

Just had to share.

2006-12-28T00:01:00.000-05:00

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2006-12-24T00:08:00.000-05:00

Here is our Christmas Card! Micah was thrilled as you can plainly see :)~

I'm taking a break until the New Year! Hope you all have a great Holiday Season, Merry Christmas, and a WONDERFUL New Year!!!
~~~Ryan~~~

An Amazing Blog

2006-12-21T09:54:00.000-05:00

Choi, Myoung-Ja
Kim, Young-Mi

Here is an AMAZING blog by a grown Korean adoptee who was lucky enough to meet her first mother and the rest of her Korean family. You can read the entire story of Kim, Young-Mi and her thought provoking experiences surrounding her adoption, search and reunion. You can also read the story of her first-mother Choi, Myoung-Ja, who was beaten and abused by Young-Mi's first-father, and ultimately, out of desperation, had to place her baby girl for adoption. It's an amazing and emotion filled recount of the lives of these two people, and how they each dealt with the tragedy of their separation. I hope you take the time to read it.

Revenge

2006-12-17T11:43:00.000-05:00

In our house, Elaine doesn't have to eat dinner. It's her choice. We always feed the kids whatever we're having, so if we're having pork roast, then so are they. We're not short order cooks... I don't take requests. You get my point. Anyway, last night she didn't eat her dinner. So therefore she gets no desert. It's a fair rule, and she's the decision maker. She almost always eats though.
Because she didn't eat her dinner last night she didn't get to pick candy out of her Halloween candy bad (yes, I know, Halloween was months ago). We do, however, have an advent calendar with pieces of chocolate for each day in December, so we were going to give her that. Before we caved in though, we thought we would torment her a little bit. Here is the conversation...........

Elaine: can I have the chocolate even though I didn't eat dinner?
Ben: No. Mommy and Daddy are splitting the chocolate tonight.
Me: Yeah, we NEVER get the chocolate. You and Micah get it every night.
Elaine: PLLEEEEEEAAAASEEEE can I have it??
Ben: If you give me a million dollars.
Elaine: I don't have a million dollars.
Me: You can have it Elaine... because Daddy is going to Dairy Queen to get us ice cream!
Elaine: THAT’S NOT FAIR!
Ben: Yeah, and then we're going to have a party after you go to bed... so be really quiet!
Me: And we're going to have, like, 10 piñatas! And LOTS of cake!... OH! And a PONY!
Elaine: You're just kidding, right?
Ben: Yes, mommy's kidding about the pony. It's actually a UNICORN!
Me: What time is the clown coming Ben?
Ben: Right after Elaine falls asleep.
Me: Santa's coming too. But the tooth-fairy never RSVP'd.
Elaine (staring in disbelief with her jaw on the floor): Are you really having a party???
Me and Ben (laughing hysterically): Yes, now go upstairs for a bath.

It is OH SO FUN to get her back once in a while. We did tell her the truth after her whining got so obnoxious it was piercing our eardrums. She is so going to need therapy when she's older! ;)~

Article in The Korean Times

2006-12-15T20:57:00.000-05:00

HERE is an article in The Korean Times entitled :"Number of Older Single Mothers Rises". The article speaks about teenage single mothers, and older single mothers in Korea. It also talks about adoption and abortion. It's very interesting to read. I was thirilled to see the following...

Han Sang-soon, director of a single mother¡¯s facility Aeranwon, also showed at the seminar that the ratio of unmarried mothers who chose to raise the babies instead of adoption has increased from 2.7 percent in 1984 to 3.5 percent in 1996 and 31.7 percent last year.

Hopefully that trend will continue upward.

Feeding Clinic

2006-12-13T11:31:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Arie's first appointment at the feeding clinic at Children's Hospital. We were scheduled for 2:30. Because we live an hour and a half away from the hospital, I had to leave my house at 1:00. Everything was going smoothly when I looked up at the sign over the highway and read "ACCIDENT 16 MILES AHEAD, ALL LANES CLOSED". Crap. I called my sister frantic (she works at Children's in the therapy center) and she called ahead to the clinic. They told her that if I was more than 10 minutes late they wouldn't be able to take us! So we got onto a side road and FLEW there. And I mean flew. I was going 90mph down route 1, and praying the whole time that we would get there in one piece, that I wouldn't get a ticket, and that if I was late they will still take us. Let me remind you that it took me a few weeks to get this appointment, and as it was they squeezed us in only because my sister works there. Anyway, at 2:38 we signed in. WHEW!So after getting a history and weighing/measuring Arie, we starter the fun stuff. The first order of business was to try to feed Arie some rice cereal. So we put him in the chair and began the fun. The poor baby was gagging so much that drool was pouring out of his mouth. I tried for about 5 minutes before the therapist took over. She tried a couple bites, but it got so bad that he would start gagging from just looking at the spoon. The boy has an insane gag reflex. Just touching the spoon to the tip of his tongue set him off. After trying unsuccessfully for a couple of minutes, she switched over to a special flat spoon and managed to basically wipe some cereal on the inside of his cheek. He didn't gag... as much. But he did continue to cry and flail about. She was pretty impressed with the show... as was I. It is unbelievable to watch him. You would think that we were poking him with needles. By the way, he never did really eat anything. At least we figured out how to actually get the food in his mouth... even if he does just spit it back out.Aside from his spoon/texture aversion, they think he may also have silent reflux (no overt signs of reflux). He has this thing where he will drink about half a bottle and then freak out a little, and continue to freak out on and off until it's gone. Anyway, they want to do a barium swallow study and an upper G.I. test on him. That will be sometime in the next month. I'm already worried about that because he is supposed to drink this special liquid and I KNOW he won't drink it. Aside from that, I think they may have to strap him down to hold him still and that really bothers me. I might send Ben for that because I don't know if I can handle watching him scream the whole time. It's so hard watching him during these exams and tests. I can't even imagine being Baby James' mom... I'm sure she wishes she could just take every ounce of pain away. It's miserable to watch your child be so uncomfortable, scared, and upset and not be able to do anything about it.So that was our day. We had dinner at my sister’s house afterwards which was great. After I gave Arie his bottle last night he fell asleep in my arms. I rocked him for a while thinking about how fortunate we are that he is so healthy. His problems, although they seem big at times, pale in comparison to the problems so many other children are going through. Regardless, I held him and snuggles him close. He is so sweet and beautiful, and I am so thankful that I am his mommy.

"Holiday" vs. "Christmas"

2006-12-06T13:03:00.000-05:00

During the holiday season I really start to notice how far out of their way people go to be "p.c." (politically correct). I think it's great that our mall has a Kwanzaa display, a Hanukkah display, and a Christmas display. I also enjoy hearing Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song on the radio in addition to the gazillion Christmas songs they play. I think that we should treat these non-Christian holidays with the importance and respect that they deserve. After all, America is founded on freedom of religion.

HOWEVER, sometimes I think that people push the envelope a little too far. For example, my sisters children go to a Baptist pre-school. Well, for some reason this BAPTIST school has decided to do a "holiday" party instead of a "Christmas" party because some of the children attending aren't Christian. Maybe it's just me, but if I chose to send my child to a Baptist school, I would expect that they would, at the very least, celebrate Christmas... while using the term Christmas instead of the catch-all term of "Holiday". If I sent Elaine to a Buddhist pre-school, I would expect them to teach Buddhism. (I don't think there is such a thing as a Buddist pre-school, but you get my point.) I wouldn't expect the whole school to change because of my child. After all, I have a choice of where I send her to learn. Obviously things are different in public school and I understand that, but I'm talking about a private pre-school run in a church. I just don't get it.

I recently encountered another similar situation. On one of the larger forums I talk on they are doing a "Christmas card" exchange. There are a LOT of people participating, but you don't have to participate... again it's a choice. After talking about it for a couple of days, a non-Christian mother replied,

"How come they are Christmas cards, not holiday cards? I send out cards every
year and would love to participate in this, but as someone who isn't Christian
it would be very strange and uncomfortable for me to receive cards of a
Christian nature - i.e., specifically geared to Christmas."

Nobody replied to her on the forum, but I did send her a private message. I told her that I would LOVE to recieve a Hanukkah card (or a card of any faith) because It would help me teach my children about diversity and about all the different holidays around the world that people celebrate. I also told her that as a Christian family, we will be having Christmas cards made (as opposed to "holiday" cards) and that to ask me to make "holiday" cards instead is a little un-fair. I was as gentle in my words as possible because I didn't want to offend her or have her think that my argument against her had ANYTHING to do with her religion. Let's say that I was Hindu and I saw the "Christmas card exchange" topic on the forum. If it would be "strange and uncomfortable" for me to recieve Christmas cards at my home, I simply wouldn't participate. But, since it wouldn't bother me (because I enjoy celebrating the differences of the people in our nation), I would sign on and welcome any card I recieved with a smile. Am I making my point or just diging my own grave? Anyway, we discussed it nicely and moved on... but after hearing about my nephews pre-school I've started noticing a trend in all of this.

Any discussion on this would be welcome. Let me make it clear however that I am NOT trying to start a religious debate. I believe that my religion is EQUAL to all others and that everyone has the right to believe what they want. I enjoy learning about other religious beliefs and practices. This discussion shouldn't be about religion in itself, but about where conformity should end.

Misc. (and more pictures)

2006-12-04T22:24:00.000-05:00

Ok... umm....... I have so much to do today that I don't even know where to begin. So, naturally, I'll waste some time playing on the computer. Pathetic I know.

I got strep throat on Friday and have been on antibiotics since then. Just today I'm feeling more normal. Saturday was A.S.I.A.'s 25th Anniversary party. I took the max. amount of Motrin and Tylenol and forced myself to go. It was a lot of fun. They had Korean dancers, Indian dancers, crafts (which was fabulous because it kept Elaine busy the WHOLE time!), shopping, and best of all they had an all you can eat buffet! I met lots of people including Margie (a.k.a.
Third Mom), and a couple of other mothers from the forums I talk on. I was able to talk with a couple of adult Korean adoptees too. It was great to meet so many new people. I really had a great time... strep and all.

I have some random things to talk about...

First, let me tell you about my favorite person in the world. He is an employee at 7-11, and he made my week. I went in to 7-11 to get a slurpee (due to the fun throat pain) and this guy behind the counter asked me if I knew "anything going on tonight". I laughed because the only thing going on for me was changing diaeper and putting three screaming kids to bed. I also laughed because I can hardly remember what it's like to be worried over what party to go to. Anyway, after I told him I had three kids I asked how old he was... he looked young and I wanted to see why this guy though I might have the scoop on the evenings happenings. He told me he was 24 and then he asked how old I was. I said 30. He totally stopped what he was doing and said, "You're 30? No way. You look WAY younger than that!". I said thanks and walked out the door cheesing from ear to ear. When I got home I told Ben about it, but he just thinks the guy was hitting on me. I don'tthink he was, but even if he was, whats wrong with a 24 year old hitting on me? He he. Anyway, it made me feel good. 7-11 trains their employees well!

Second, I'm getting ready to start working on my Christmas letter. Although it's such a daunting task, it's fun to send them out. Between writing the letter, getting the pictures togethor, and addressing stuffing and stamping the envelope, it can take A LOT of time. I think it's so funny how all year long people look forward to the Holidays, but once they get here the tasks, customs, traditions, parties, gatherings, gifts, etc become SO overwhelming! It creates so much stress and even arguments in many cases... but still... year after year... we find ourselves doing the same things.

Third, I wanted to say THANK YOU to all of you who have offered supporting words to Baby James and his family. He is doing well and is now out of the hospital and back at home. I know there are a lot of people who read this blog, and the support you have offered me through the past few months has been priceless. So thank you for extending that support to him and his family.

Well, this post flowed about as well as a concrete river... sorry about that. I'll do bettter next time!

Ouch.

2006-12-03T00:07:00.000-05:00

I have strep throat... really really bad strep throat. Sorry I haven't posted. Bare with me while I recover :(

Arie's Development (after pictures)

2006-11-27T20:19:00.000-05:00

Arie has been home a little over two months now. We are much closer now than we were a couple weeks ago. I can't kiss him enough, and I LOVE to make him smile! Which, by the way, is now VERY easy to do. Socially he is doing fabulous. He is babbling and saying da-da and ma-ma (not with purpose of course). He laughs out loud at his goofy sister, and enjoys getting attention from his big brother.

Developmentally Arie is a little behind. At 7 months old he should be sitting up and working on crawling. However, Arie is still unable to sit with support ( a 5 month milestone). He is also unable to pivot on his belly, which he should be able to do at this point. For example, if I lay him on his belly and face him away from me, he should be able to turn himself around (while staying on his belly) so he is facing me. We expected that he may be a little behind when he came home due to some medical issues, so we aren't surprised with any of this. He has an evaluation next week so that we can get him started in physical therapy to help strengthen his muscles and get him caught up.

Our biggest issue right now is eating. Arie should have started baby food at 6 months old. I posted our first try pictures a while ago and the situation has only gotten worse. He WILL NOT EAT anything. We can't even get him to take medication without him screaming. We've tried everything and all we can get him to do is drink his bottles. While that isn't a huge concern, what IS a huge concern is that his nutritional needs aren't being met by the bottles. He should be taking in 32oz. of formula per day to meet the needs of a baby Arie's height. We can only get in about 22oz. of formula per day. Although he has been gaining a little weight, he has been falling off of his growth curve and is currently in the 0% on both the Korean growth chart and the U.S. chart. Also, his body mass index is in the "poor" range. So, because of all of this, we will be starting him in a feeding clinic at Children's Hospital (per his doctors). At the clinic he will be evaluated by a feeding specialist, a GI doctor, an occupational therapist, a speech therapist, a psychologist, and a social worker. The make up the "feeding team" who will come up with a plan of care to get him on the right track for eating/growing. I know of somebody else who had to do this, and they had to go to the clinic every day for 6 weeks! I PRAY that we don't have to, because it's over an hour away from my house, and I have 2 other kids that I would have to find care for. We'll find out all of the details after our initial evaluation which has yet to be scheduled (me and Children's have been playing phone tag for a couple of days).

So that's the scoop. My little man really is my LITTLE man! I'll keep you updated!!!

Update on Baby James

2006-11-25T11:08:00.000-05:00

Little James had his surgery. They removed one entire kidney and half of the other. According to his blog, his is doing well and sleeping better. He is still in the hospital, but recovering nicely. Here is the link to the pictures of James' kidneys. It's amazing to see what the tumors looked like, but so sad to know that he's had them growing in his body his whole life. Please continue to pray for him and his family during the holidays.

Baby James

2006-11-20T10:29:00.000-05:00

After starting the adoption process, I have spent a lot of time talking to other adoptive families through on-line forums. On one of the smaller forums I talk on, there is a family that I've gotten to know fairly well over the past few months. We waited together for our referrals, and then for our travel calls. They got their call about 3 weeks before us. After bringing their new baby boy home, they noticed that he was often fussy, especially at night. The took him to the doctor who discovered a lump in his abdomen. Only five weeks after James came home, he was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It's a disease called Wilms Tumor, and James has tumors in both kidneys. It's been a really rough road for them. James has already been through chemo, only to discover that the tumors actually grew during the treatments. Today James has surgery to explore the tumors overtaking his kidneys. The surgeons will be making an incision across his abdomen so they have access to both kidneys... after that they will decide how to proceed. James may possibly have one kidney removed today.

I'm asking you to please keep Baby James and his family in your thoughts and prayers today. It's a horribly sad situation. Please go to their site and leave a comment letting them know that your praying for their baby boy. Here is the link to BABY JAMES.

"Mia's Saving Grace"... post on Childhood

2006-11-19T13:18:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to point out a beautifully written post
by an adoptee named Mia. In this post she talks about her childhood as an adoptee and how it felt, at times, to be adopted. She also offers advice to adoptive parents in hopes of helping them open the communication channel between themselves and their children.

The Top 101 Things You Didn't Know About Me

2006-11-14T11:00:00.000-05:00

I'm a Gemini.
I lived in Stuttgart Germany for a year.
Aside from the U.S. and Germany, I've been to Austria, Switzerland, France, Checkloslovakia, Italy, Lichtenstein, Luxembourger, Holland, Canada, South Korea, Bahamas, and the U.S. Virgin Islands.
I got my naval pierced in college.
The next day I got my tongue pierced.
I have a tattoo of a frog with my mom's initials under it. ( Don't know why I picked a frog... impulse I guess).
My mom died when I was 13.
I miss her and think about her every day of my life.
I've wanted to work in the medical field since the age of 3.
I like blood... I think its' so cool.
I've had 6 Siamese Cats during my life: Sat-Su, Saki, Toi, Tiki, Thai-Suda, and now Misu.
I went to Catholic elementary school and middle school.
I have talked to Lionel Richie on the phone.
Between me and my husband, we have owned 7 Hondas. They rock.
I have had bad hips since high school sports.
I was a cheerleader from 7th -12th grade.
Our cheerleading squad qualified for nationals but couldn't raise enough money to go.
I'm an "Army Brat" and an "Officers Wife".
I'm PROUD to be an American!
I'm not a morning person.
I don't like normal coffee, but I'm addicted to lattes.
I hated anything coffee related until I was 22 and on a trip to Seattle my friend MADE me try it... I owe her my life.
I love to volunteer.
I would SELL MY SOUL to meet Dave Matthew.
Dave Matthews is my "freebie".... my husbands "freebie" is Jessica Alba. (Is that totally twisted of us or what?)
I have a Bachelors in Nursing degree from George Mason University.
I have delivered three babies on my own.
I have helped deliver many many more.
One of my patients named her baby after me. It was a boy baby though. She loved the name and hadn't thought of it until she met me.
I was named after "Ryan O'Neal". My mom was crushing on him when I was born.
I grew up believing I was named after an "English fairly tale princess".
My dad told me the truth.
I don't carry a purse... only a wallet, my keys, and my cell.
I want to move to Australia. We might move to Alice Springs in two years.
When my neighbors find a stray or hurt animal, they bring them to me.
One day in the future, I would love to open a shelter for animals.
I don't like yellow gold.
I make GREAT Bul-go-gi (Korean beef).
But I don't like to cook.
I participated in the Marine Corps Marathon once.
I worked in the medical tent there.
I hate running.
I love to drive with the windows down and music blaring on nice days.
I drank beer with the band "Offspring" back stage at one of their concerts once.
I thought I was so cool.
I have one sister who is 8.5 years older than me.
She is a breast cancer survivor and we talk on the phone about 5 times a day.
My nicknames when I was little were "Ba", "Roonie", and "Schkroon".
I was teased in school and called "Toothpick Legs".
As a child I use to think I would go down the drain after a bath.
I screamed like mad when my mom let the water out.
I weighed 56 pounds in 4th grade.
I have an English Bulldog and a Whippet/Terrier Mix.
My bull dog is a disgusting obnoxious mess of a dog who destroys furniture, windowsills and toys.
I love her anyway.
I have a "lead foot" when I drive.
The sun and my skin are enemies.
I donated 10" of my hair last year to Locks of Love .
I'm a perfectionist.
I am horrible at math.
My father is a mathematician.
I LOVE Disney World and constantly think about my next "Disney" vacation.
My husband proposed to me in Disney World.
We also had a Disney World/ Disney Cruise honeymoon.
If I could travel anywhere in the world, I would LOVE to go to Africa.
I'm 1/4 Dutch... the rest is mutt.
I've killed one animal with my car... a possum... and I cried as if I'd been shot.
My favorite show is Grey's Anatomy.
I love photography.
I don't really "collect" anything... it creates too much clutter.
I'm a neat freak and I like my house sparkling clean.
My closet, however, is a wreck.
I was married at The Cloisters Castle. (Just found out that Will and Jada Smith were too!)
There were flower petals falling from the sky during the ceremony.
It was the most beautiful wedding I've ever seen.
I married my best friend.
I got pregnant 2 weeks later.
I can't touch cotton balls. It's like nails on a chalk board to me.
I don't eat seafood.
I was hyperactive as a child and was on Ritalin.
Swings make me nauseous.
There isn't a roller coaster ride that I won't go on.
I want to live to 100, but only if I can take care of my own hygiene.
Haribo Gummy Bears are my favorite candy.
I've always wanted a pet monkey.
When I was little I was obsessed with Hailey Mills.
I almost failed out of college my freshman year.
By my Junior year I was making the Deans List.
It drives me crazy when I run out of conditioner before shampoo.
I NEVER run out of shampoo first.
I crave attention.
I enjoy reading about culture and traditions in other countries.
I'm 1/3 owner of a 19 foot Pro Line fishing boat.
My parents and my sister's family own the other 2/3.
I'm a great skier, and LOVE LOVE LOVE to ski!
When I'm getting shots or an IV, I have to watch the needle enter my skin.
Christmas and Halloween are my two favorite Holidays.
My favorite book is "The Red Tent".
I have three incredible children.
We're considering a fourth.
I have been blessed beyond measure.

Why Mothers of 3 Shouldn't Party!

2006-11-14T10:19:00.000-05:00

I was invited over to my friends house last night to look at wedding pictures (this is the friend who's wedding I was in last month). Obviously I'm so hard up for adult interaction that I will do just about anything to get it. So, the plan was, that after Elaine's gymnastics class ended at 5:30pm I would load up the kids into the mini-van, spend 40 minutes driving home, arrive home at about 6:15, and quickly feed and bathe the kids. I worked it out with my neighbor to arrive at my house at 7pm (Ben was, of course, at Tae-Kwon-Do and wouldn't arrive home until 8pm), and then I was going to arrive slightly late at my friends house. Here's the reality of the evening:

5:30 Gymnastics ends.
5:31-5:40 Elaine has to go potty... after singing pre-school songs on the toilet for 5 minutes she decides she didn't have to go in the first place. Spend next 5 minutes getting leotard and clothes back on while Micah plays in the trash can.
5:40-5:42 Wash Elaine AND Micah's hands.
5:43-5:50 Make our way through the mass of hyper children and get buckled into the van.
5:51 Look at clock and realize my dreams of getting the kids fed a wholesome meal at home are now out the window.
5:52-6:02 Stop at Kentucky Fried Chicken and get dinner, but can't hear the worker there because the kids are louder than howler monkeys.
6:03-6:38 Sit on 29 stopped in traffic behind a broken down truck while Elaine and Micah are both crying for the (extremely non-healthy) dinner that I REFUSE to let them get all over my car.
6:30-6:42 Get home, unload kids, throw food on table, let the dogs out since they've been crossing their legs all afternoon, and INHALE my dinner.
6:43-6:49 Rush around the house and straighten up so neighbor doesn't think I'm a complete slob. Brush teeth (without toothpaste...ummm... where's the toothpaste?), "fix" hair (a.k.a. a pony-tail), rush down-stairs to lock up dogs before door-bell rings.
6:50 Ding dong! Dogs go ape-shit because they didn't get locked up in time.
6:51 Lock up dogs.
6:52-7:10 Explain to poor poor neighbor, while wiping chicken and appropriate side dishes off the floor (thanks Micah), that kids didn't get baths... kids REALLY need baths. Write cell number down, (although I would rather throw cell out the the car door than to be interrupted on much desired night out), and run out the door without looking back.
7:11-7:38 Drive to friends house with music blasting in car... sing along, especially cuss words, EXTRA loud.
7:39 Arrive at friends house only to be humped by her chocolate lab "Hunter" and his red hot poker. Let the fun begin.

We had so much fun at my friends house. In fact, we had a little too much fun. Four glasses of wine later I could hardly talk right. Thinking it wise to sober up prior to heading home, we all hop into the hot tub... for 2 hours. Apparently, in my drunken stupor, I forgot that aside from being dehydrated from the wine, sitting in a hot tub for 2 hours might not help my re-hydrating efforts.

Finally, at 1am I head home.

I drop into bed and sleep for 15 minutes before I'm woken by Elaine because she has to go potty. So much for a few hours of peaceful sleep. I help her go potty, and go back to bed, fall back to sleep, and what-do-you-know... there she is again. "Mommy, my tummy hurts". This time I make Ben get up. And the next time too. So I lay there thinking: Why. Can't. I. Just. Sleep. Then I hear him say, "What did you eat for dinner Elaine??"

Sigh.

My Rockin' Baby

2006-11-13T09:39:00.000-05:00

When we first met Arie in Korea, he would rock back-n-forth in his foster mother's arms. He was always in the best mood when he did this, and she told us that "rocking" means he is "happy". The next two times we saw him, he would do the same thing... but only in her arms.

Well, we brought him home and waited for him to rock and he never did. Ben was dissapointed and took it as a sign that Arie wasn't "happy" yet. We even mentioned it to our social worker. The weeks passed and we forgot about it. Instead, we were thrilled with the smiles, cooing, and laughs that he gave us.

Today I was holding Arie while we were walking around in Target. He was in an exceptionally great mood and "talking" through his big drooly grins. After a few minutes of holding him he started rocking back and forth in my arms... At first I was just laughing because I had forgotten that he use to do it in Korea, and I just thought he was being a nut. But after he slammed the back of his head into my shoulder a few more times a memory poped into my head of his foster mother rubbing her shoulder after he had done the same thing to her. My eyes filled with tears as I exclaimed to my husband... "HE'S ROCKING!!!" Ben got choked up too. I'm even crying as I sit here and type this. It was such a special moment for us. I rushed home and wrote all about it on his milestone calander. What a wonderful thing to see that he is begining to feel comfortable, as am I. This past week we have made leaps and bounds togethor. I think I worked through a lot of my feelings last weekend during my "break down" and have finally started to really bond with him. Something clicked between us, and today I saw evidence of that. I'm so blessed.

Breast Feeding

2006-11-12T12:13:00.000-05:00

Cover of Baby Talk Magazine
As a Labor and Delivery nurse and a mother, I am a big supporter of breast feeding. I nursed Elaine and Micah until they weened themselves (10 and 12 months respectively). I would have nursed them longer, but the world around them became more interesting then starring at mommy's face. One of the hardest things about adopting a 4 month old (in my opinion) is that nursing wasn't an option. I am totally in support of adoptive breastfeeding, but it's rare for breastfeeding to work when your baby is already a few months old. Oh well.

Anyway, as a breastfeeding advocate, I was appalled at how many negative reactions there were toward the above photo on the cover of Baby Talk magazine. Apparently this happened a few months ago, but I've been kinda busy and missed it. My husband recently heard about it on a radio show, and mentioned it to me. After searching for the photo today I finally found it on this blog. I expected to see full on boobage. But what's this? The side of a boob? No nipple, no areola, nothin'! What's the big deal? Please tell me why, months after the "explicit" (rolling eyes) issue was published, are people still talking about it on radio shows? WHAT IS SO FREAKING WRONG WITH BREASTFEEDING? I swear, Americans can be ridiculous about some things. Yes, they (breasts) have been sexualized. I'm not naive. But aside from their sexual role, they actually were designed to serve a purpose... to FEED BABIES!!!!! Get over it and grow up breastfeeding-opponents. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU IT'S ABOUT OUR CHILDREN!

Oh, I also cam across this site with a blog-roll of mothers from "around the net" who are PROUD to show photos of how they feed their babies... the NATURAL way.

EDITED TO ADD: Here is the link to the "Baby Talk" article on breastfeeding. The article is called "Why Women Dont Nurse Longer". It talks about the negative attitudes of the public, and also gives a list of breastfeeding laws for each state.

Picnic Day

2006-11-11T13:17:00.000-05:00

The past couple days have been BEAUTIFUL in my neck of the woods! So yesterday me and a neighbor took our 6 kids to the park for a picnic. I tried like hell to get a picture of my 3 kids together... something that is nearly impossible to do. By the time you get two of the three sitting down, the third one is in tears. And if your lucky enough to get them ALL to sit down (at one time), it always seems to happen that the camera battery is dead. Go figure.

Anyway, I managed to snap the picture above of the three of them. It's the best I could do. I'm not complaining. Micah is at the impossible 18 month stage where he thinks cameras are evil torturing devices. We still, however, plan on attempting our family picture sometime in the next month. I'd rather gauge my eye-balls out with a dull knife, but as you know the Holidays are approaching and we need to send out our cards. Sigh. I think that the photographers who work at the photo studios are really angels in disguise. That would top my list as one of the worst jobs out there. Can you imagine spending ALL DAY trying to get the "perfect shot" of someone else's children? I have a hard enough time spending 5 minutes trying to get a good shot. I can't even begin to imagine doing it day in and day out. I'd be a raving lunatic if I had to do that. Kuddos to all you studio photographers out there. For the sake of the children, better you than me!

I'll be sure to let you know how our little photo session goes. I get heart palpitations just thinking about it.

The truth.

2006-11-09T14:47:00.000-05:00

I haven't really written much on here recently. I'm so OVERWHELMED a lot of the time... UGH! But there are a few important things that I wanted to touch base on.

First off, Arie is wonderful. We are becoming closer and closer each day. Recently, however, I have admitted to myself that the mommy/love feelings I have toward him aren't the same as they were to Elaine and Micah. It's a hard thing to admit, but it's true. I have been struggling with this for a couple weeks now, and beating myself up over it. He has been home two months (almost)... how long does it take? I have learned that after adopting a baby, it's very easy to "pretend" to people that everything is perfect. We've waited SO LONG for this little life to enter our home, complained, whined, and worried. And now that he's here, everything should be wonderful, right? I think that I expected it to be wonderful. But worse than that, I wanted everyone else to think it's wonderful. So I put on a smile when I was out, and then I would come home and be miserable.

Last Thursday Ben left for 4 days. It was so hard doing everything by myself, and on Sunday I finally lost it. I laid down on the floor and let all of the emotion come out... I sobbed. Arie was in the other room crying (as he does when not being held), Micah was napping, and Elaine was sitting in front of the t.v. Something she has been doing way too much of recently. Anyway, as I was crying I was thinking to myself... maybe adoption isn't such a good thing. There are MANY people against adoption... adoptee's, first-mom's, and even some adoptive parents. The argument is that everything should be done to keep the baby with his biological family. I agree with this up to a point, but there is a limit, in my mind, of what is an acceptable environment for a child to grow up in. So I'm not entirely for that argument, but I understand it. Anyway, one of the points in favor of the argument is that a baby NEEDS his biological mother because he will never bond with an adoptive mother the same way, and the adoptive mother can't possible ever really love the adopted child as she would love her own offspring (according to the anti-adoption supporters). Well, I've never believed that. Ever. But I have to tell you, the other day when I was on the floor I thought to myself that maybe... just maybe... they were right. Maybe I won't ever love him the same. Maybe he will never love me like he would have loved his first-mom. I can't stop thinking about his first-mom. And I really was feeling so much guilt over his adoption. Part of me feels like I took him away from her. I KNOW I took him away from Korea, which is so terribly sad in itself. Will he resent me for it? Will he respect me for it? Will he be happy that he grew up in a stable environment or will he wish that he had just stayed in Korea... regardless of the conditions in his family and around him? Will his first-mom ever try to find him? Will he ever try to find her? I honestly WANT him to find her one day. I fear that she will be "un-findable", or that he won't have an interest. I feel guilty that I can't send her pictures or updates or (when he's old enough) art work and Mother's Day gifts. My heart is broken for her. And somehow, I feel it's my fault. Did she really relinquish him for adoption on her own terms or was she pressured by family and her culture?

So there I lay. All of this is going through my head. And that is only the tip of the iceberg. I read so many blogs and forums of Korean adoptees that feel like they were either discarded by Korea or feel they were an "item" that was simply bought by rich white parents. Will Arie feel like that? What can I do to prevent that? Is it possible to prevent that? So I continue to read. I think that's all I can do.

After my "breakdown", I started opening up to my friends and family. Some of the other adoptive mothers I've talked to have told me I'm expecting too much of myself. That bonding with an adopted child (or even a biological child) can take months sometimes. So I've listened to them and decided to lighten up a little and quit putting on this "show" of happiness... for others and for myself. After letting all of the feelings out on Sunday, I've felt so much better. The guilt I've been feeling has subsided some, and I've accepted the fact that it will take time to attach to Arie the way I did with Elaine and Micah. When you're pregnant with a child, you feel them grow, kick and live inside of you. Then they are born and your body produces hormomes to help you bond, nursing a baby is also set up to help you bond. When you adopt a baby, none of those things happen. On top of that, Arie is a difficult baby. He doesn't sleep well, he doesn't eat well, and he is fussy. Elaine and Micah were A CAKE WALK in comparison. I know now that our relationship will strengthen... but it will take time. I also know, now, that I need to just step away from those guilty feelings, and quit worrying so much about Arie's feelings 18 years from now. I need to keep telling myself that right now, in this moment, he is only a baby who needs nurturing... he is not a teenager trying to find his place in the world. I know that will come one day, so I'm going to enjoy the here and now before it passes me by.

Adoption has many different sides... some good some bad, and some horrible. There is coercion, pressure, lying, greed, anger, hate, and envy all rolled into adoption. I don't want to pretend that ever adoption story is wonderful... or a win-win situation. That's not always the case. If you read my blog, then you have an interest in adoption and I want you to see all sides of it. I don't personally believe that Arie's first-mom was coerced or forced to relinquish him, but it does happen, and although many first-mom's DO chose to relinquish their babies, they don't just forget about them and move on. They hurt for their entire life and always feel an emptiness... that is one thing I have learned from all of my reading, and easing that pain is one thing I hope Arie chooses to do for his first-mom in the future.

Here is a list of blogs written by adoptee's and first-mom's. They are packed with true honest feelings about how adoption has changed their lives. They also give me a glimpse into what Arie's first-mom may be feeling and what Arie may feel as an adult.

Twice The Rice (Korean Asdoptee)
Harlow's Monkey (Korean Adoptee)
This Should Go Somewhere (Korean Adoptee)
Ethnically Incorrect Daughter (Transracial Adoptee)
Jane Ellen (Adoptee)

Reunion Writings (First-Mom)
Writing My Wrongs (First Mom)
Birth Mother of Adopted (First Mom)
Screams in the Dark (First Mom)

GO VOTE!!!

2006-11-07T12:14:00.000-05:00

I don't care how you vote, who you vote for, what your beliefs are, etc. I just care that you all vote for what you believe in. If I can get out there, in the rain, with my 3 kids, then so can you!!! You will make a difference! So please,
GO VOTE!!!

10,000

2006-11-06T23:04:00.001-05:00

Want to know what that number up above means? That's how many visits I've had to my blog! Geez... I wonder how high the number would be if I actually had something important and awe inspiring to say. One can only imagine :)~

Pictures

2006-11-06T11:00:00.000-05:00

Here are a few recent random pictures. Micah built that whole tower by himself and he was proud as a peacock! Too bad the pic is kind of blurry. Bummer.

Quick Update

2006-11-02T18:28:00.000-05:00

Me and the boys at the Pumpkin Patch
Arie had his 6 month well baby check on Halloween. He is still only 13 pounds... so he's in the 0% for weight... ugh. He is in the 40% for height though. He received 3 immunizations, and to top that off they tried 3 times to draw blood from him for his "adoption panel". No luck. That was the second complete attempt at blood work. The boy has no veins. They are now trying to decide if they want to draw from a scalp vein (ouch!) or wait until his upcoming (minor) surgery and coordinate it with that. I'm still waiting to hear.

In regard to his weight, he is a "work in progress" as his doctor called him. He refuses to eat ANYTHING in the food department. He will on only drink a bottle. I'm worried, but his very laid back doctor isn't. He use to be in the 5% for weight, and now he's not even on the chart... so I'm worried. To top it off, my brother-in-law's new baby was born weighing 10 lbs!!! I know that the new baby will be WAY bigger than Arie at Thanksgiving, so all I'm going to hear is "Wow, Arie is sooooo tiny!" Well...Duh.

I just wish he would start gaining weight. He is 6 months old now and still in a size 2 diaper and 3-6 month clothes. Here's a little perspective... Micah weighed just under 20 lbs at 6 months old. What a difference.

He's still on target developmentally, so that's great. He's just a peanut!

An Adoptee's Advice to Prospective Adoptive Parents

2006-10-28T15:22:00.000-04:00

I found this and thought it was great. It's very thought provoking, and I think it really helps understand how our adopted children will eventually feel. Please read it and let me know what you think. (The credit's are at the bottom.)

AN ADOPTEE"S ADVICE TO PROSPECTIVE ADOPTIVE PARENTS

Hi mom, Hi dad! That's right, there but for time and space you could be my parents -- adoptive parents -- or birthparents. Birthparents and adoptive parents. B-Parents and A-Parents. Before parents and after parents. Before has no meaning without after, after has no meaning without before. Time and space. You cannot exist without each other. I couldn't find the words as a child. Now I have the words to advise you, tell you what it's like, tell you why I need to search, to help us resolve these issues before they become problems.

So imagine, I arrived in your home helpless; in need of your nurturing. Lets get the tough stuff over with first: you are the parent. I am not here to heal the pain of your infertility. You must resolve the emotional baggage of infertility before you decide to parent. Unresolved infertility may be a problem when adoptees become fruitful at puberty. Unresolved infertility, leaves the whole family grieving for the unrealized biological child; leaving me to feel second best. Unresolved infertility puts adoptees in the difficult situation of trying to be the "perfect" answer to your infertility, while dealing with the "imperfect" reality of being given away.

Tell me I'm adopted, or you risk a terrible breach of trust. I've seen men in their fifties destroyed when, at a parent's funeral, some relative spilled the beans. Talking about adoption will defuse its effect. I will ask more than once, reflecting different needs at different ages. So get information, meet my birthparents. Be honest but not critical, remember, I will incorporate your interpretation of my birthparents into my interpretation of myself.

People will say I'm lucky to have been adopted by such wonderful people; who knows what my fate may have been if you hadn't taken me into your home! Note how this sets me up to be eternally grateful to you. It's easy to fall into parental martyr syndrome but you are not just parents -- you are adoptive parents. There but for time and space who knows, maybe another family would have suited me better. Asking for my gratitude puts us in opposition. Remind those who would have our relationship based on guilt that you too, are lucky to have found me.

Adoptees constantly wonder what could have been. My life is the luck of the draw. I spent my childhood thinking: these people could have been -- or could be -- my parents; this could have been my home; those could have been my toys; I could have had to wear that outfit!? One thing is not arbitrary I was born to someone.

Adoptees believe in things we've never seen: birthparents in the guise of guardian angels, fairy changelings, and storks who deliver babies - how else did we get here? We've never heard the story of our quickening, our labor, our birth.
Adoptive parents compare themselves to birthparents, but adoptees compare themselves to the unrealized biological child. My parents told me they lost a child. I thought they went out and actually lost the child somewhere. I felt guilty because I thought if they found him, they might take me back, I didn't want that -- they were my family.

We adoptees refer to ourselves as "adaptees." My natural laugh is a barking sound but I tried to imitate my adoptive father's dry hissing laugh my whole life. I was thirty-seven when I learned the origin of my barking laugh. I was at a birthfamily reunion. My birthmother had not arrived yet. I laughed, the barking laugh, and the relatives gathered. They thought I was her.

Adoptees procrastinate, are pack rats, and aren't good decision makers. We don't have the facts about our lives, we don't know the significance of anything, so we put off until we get the facts.

Excuse me if I'm a little paranoid and indignant about secrecy, I am the product of sealed records. A commodity passed from one party to another with no say in the contract. The physician, and his staff; the attorneys, and their staffs, the hospital staff, the agencies, the staff at the court house where my adoption was filed, and, of course, the staffs guarding my sealed original birth certificate and records all know more about me than I know about myself.

Excuse me for being angry. The non adopted can get their original birth certificates. Mine is sealed from me. I must be satisfied with the falsified document registering who I was after my adoption: but I existed before that. The system makes me angry, but you mom and dad will bear the brunt of my anger, because you are the closest authority figures. What makes me angry is being treated differently because I'm adopted and the lack of control over these circumstances.

I promise you, about the time I reach puberty, I will say the dreaded words,"You are not my real parents." This is not anger. It is insecurity. With puberty comes the challenge of individuation. I must start rehearsing my independence. I'll hurt and insult you to see how much I can count on you to be there when the going gets rough. Convoluted? This is normal for teenagers, but intensified by the adoption experience. Remember, the ultimate achievement of parenting is obsolescence. Do you want me living at home at thirty?

Moses, Oedipus, King Arthur, the Ugly Duckling, Superman and Luke Skywalker all have something in common: they were all adopted. They are also some of our culture's major self realization archetypes: without the search there would have been no story. Society sends adoptees the message to search. There is no society on earth without religion. All of mankind is searching for the creator, isn't it natural adoptees would too?

I always wondered. Search is the adoptee's active part in the process of adoption. Usually it's the child bearing years, late twenties early thirties, when adoptees actively search. I may have an intense desire to know just before puberty. College years, late teens and early twenties I didn't want to search I was too busy separating from my adoptive parents, but if contacted let me make the decision. Please don't search for my birthparents unless I ask you to, or unless there are real problems you feel may have stemmed from my genetic history or an experience I had before I joined our family.

The search isn't about you; the search is not a search for parents. It has as much to do with you as my choice of spouse or career. It is a search for my life -- for my self. I want to know my story, who I look like, ethnic background, and medical history. To meet the creator. and say, "Look at me, I'm ok, I turned out all right, you made the right decision. "

The adoptive parents role in an adoptee's reunion? It is not to voice your insecurities over your ability to parent, your job is to be there for me. To give me the gift of trust. At one of the most intense moments of my life, it is unfair and selfish to play the wronged parent. What does it say about our relationship if I search after you die? The most consistent outcome of adoption reunion is the strengthening of the search supportive adoptive family.

Why be an adoptive parent? Because it makes a difference. Children need homes and parents need children to create a family. Mothers teach how to fold towels, grandma's recipes, to play fair, and introduce us to literary classics; Dads, teach how to drive, to handle conflict, favorite ball teams, and the best political party. I'll sleep in your arms, play peek-a-boo, bring "I love you"drawings to put on the refrigerator, alarm you with my adolescent fashion sense, and ask for the car keys. Families never stop growing and learning from each other.

Understanding teaches courage; courage teaches stability; stability teaches trust; trust teaches acceptance; acceptance teaches love; and love makes the human heart elastic enough to make adoption less of a commodity transaction and more of an extension of family, and that is an adoptee's advice about good adoptive parenting.

Excerpts from the Philadelphia Area Resolve Conference, Sunday April 26th 1998. Abigail is President of Adoption Forum, Vice President of the American Adoption Congress, member of the Pennsylvania Joint State Advisory Committee on Adoption. What doesn't kill us,Makes us stronger.

My Take on Celebrity Adoption

2006-10-26T10:26:00.000-04:00

I've had several people ask me what my opinion is on Madonna's status as an adoptive mother (a.k.a. "a-mother"). I really have no problem with "celebrity adoption". I think Angelina Jolie, from what I can tell on t.v., is a good mother. She always has her children with her, and she seems to really put them first. I have heard the term "baby collecting" in reference to her, and I think that's crap. I, myself, have thought about adoption from Ethiopia in addition to our Korean adoption. Why? Because I (might) want another child one day, and Korea may be shutting their doors to international adoption. Ethiopia has a good program, and for some reason I am drawn to that country. Does that mean I'm a "baby collector"? No. It simply means that if we want to adopt another child, we may choose to adopt from Ethiopia based on their adoption program.

Here's something else I hear a lot... "international adoption is becoming a trend". GIVE ME A BREAK! Are you telling me, that because a handfull of famous people (out of thousands of celebrities, I might add) have adopted internationally, that international adoption is "trendy"? I just can't figure out how that makes any sense. And let me tell you, the process of adoption is enough to weed out those people who aren't serious about it. It's not like buying puppies... you don't just hop on over to some third world country and hand-pick a child. It takes months and months, and sometimes years. There is so much work involved. But, lets just say, for arguments sake, that international adoption is becoming a "trend". Well, if the families who apply are good families, good parents, and honest people (regardless of their celebrity status) than what's wrong with having an adoption "trend"? Personally I think it would provide homes for children that need them. I guess the word "trend" implies that eventually it will go out-of-style. Do you honestly think that the new a-parents would just toss their children aside once adoption is less "trendy"? I don't, and I think it's ridiculous to assume so. While I don't believe that the word "trend" is the best word choice (or even a remotly good word choice), I don't see anything wrong with celebrities adopting children and trying to shine a bright light on international adoption so that other families might do the same thing. AS LONG AS those celebrities will provide those children with love and good care, and help them keep thier roots grounded in the culture they came from. While I say it's a positive thing, there are problems with this. Living as in internationally adopted child in a "white" America (this is assuming that most of the international adopted children are adopted by wealthy/white couples) will be difficult for these children. The problems they will encounter during their lifetime are endless. There is still LOTS of racism in America, and being an internationally adopted child means that child may not ever feel like he/she truely "fits in" in the American culture, or the culture of their own race. I hope Madonna, and the other celebrities that adopt are prepard for that, and are prepared for the possible negative feelings that child may feel toward their a-parents as they grow. Obviously the best choice would be for these children to be raised in their own country, by people of their own race and culture... but if that's impossible (as it appears to be), then having them adopted by U.S. families is better then watching them spend their childhood in orphanages.

Here's another argument I hear... "Why aren't they (the celebrities) adopting children within the U.S.?" Why? Well, first of all, a child is a child. Whether they are in New York City or Africa, they need a home and a loving family. Aside from that, the U.S. foster system/adoption system has many flaws. We never even considered adopting within the U.S. And I did receive scrutiny because of that. I'm not going to list all of the problems with the U.S. system, in fact I don't even know all of the problems. But I do know that in Africa, China, Russia, etc. the children don't receive the care they would receive in the U.S. In the U.S. the children aren't dying in the hundreds because they are stricken with A.I.D.S. They aren't dying in the hundreds in the U.S. because they are starving to death. I think attention needs to be drawn to the countries that are overwhelmed with orphans so that some of those children can be placed in loving homes where they can be given a chance at LIVING. I also think that by Madonna adopting from Malawi (I country I've never even heard of), she has drawn attention to that country and the problems they are faced with. Hopefully, they will get the resources they desperately need from some of the more fortunate people of the world.

Over all I support Madonna and her a-mother status. I think it's great. I do have a couple small issues with it. #1) I am worried for her son and the attachment issues he may develop. Although Madonna is his mom, he has nanny's and other care takers. I pray that Madonna spends the time with him that he needs so that he will learn how to "attach" and bond with people. I think that is probably the most important issues in adoption. I hope Madonna has done her homework and is doing most of the care for him. #2) I don't like the whole "hero" thing associated with the adoption. Saying someone is a "hero" or a "saint" implies that the action they took was a huge feat of courage, or "God like". It implies that no ordinary person would be able to /want to do such a thing. It implies that there is something wrong with adopting a child from another country, and that it takes a "special" person to adopt. Why? I've had people say this to me to.... that I'm a "special person", or that I'm a "Saint". First of all, I am no Saint! Just ask my husband. But why can't I just be a mom who wanted to have another child without making one? I knew there were children without homes, I wanted a child, so why make one when I can provide a home to one already waiting? Do you see my point? Adopting a child doesn't make me a saint, it makes me a mom to a baby who didn't have a home. Period.

I hope the press calms down a bit, and leaves Madonna alone so she can bond with her son. I also hope they quit using terms like "trend" and "baby collecting". If they put a positive spin on international adoption, for once, perhaps they would help more of these children find their way into loving families... or better yet, perhaps more people would send aid to those countries so that the children wouldn't have to be adopted by richer countries in the first place.

New Pictures

2006-10-24T17:41:00.000-04:00

A few random pictures. Some are from the pumpkin patch (pretty obvious which ones). There are also a few from one of my best friend's wedding... I was a bridesmaid, and it's not often that I get dressed up, so I wanted to show off the pictures. Oh, and there is also one of my boys at bed time. Just thought I would share!

From the Perspective of an Adult Korean Adoptee

2006-10-24T11:49:00.000-04:00

HERE is a link to a story about twin girls that were adopted by a U.S family at the age of 3. They grew up, and set out to find their first-mother. They eventually meet her, and the rest of their first-family including their brothers. It's a long story full of thought and emotion. Very amazing to read. The page that this link takes you to is the abstract of the whole story... to read the whole story click on the blue headers.

Zzzzz Zzzzz Zzzzz

2006-10-23T21:18:00.000-04:00

I need like a week long nap. Is that even considered a nap? Or is that considered hibernating? I want to hibernate. Sometimes I wonder what kind of crack I was smoking when I decided to start the adoption while Micah was so young. (Ok, I didn't really smoke crack, so don't call CPS or anything). Arie and Micah are 1 year and 2 weeks apart in age. I honestly think having twins would be easier. Micah gets so jealous of Arie, and now he's starting to get jealous of Elaine too. I can't seem to make him happy, so he screaches, cries, kicks, head-butts, and pulls my hair all day long. It doesn't help that he cut his molars last week, and Arie cut two teeth this week. Oh, and Elaine has strep-throat. Between the three of 'em we are keeping Tylenol in business. I can't wait to see how many times I get woken up tonight. You know how people ask, "if you could be any animal, what would you be?" Well, right now I would pick to be a bear. I don't think I have EVER been this exhausted...ever. Believe it or not though, we still talk about having a 4th child. I swear I must be insane.

2006-10-19T15:11:00.001-04:00

Just for fun, I thought I would do this "obituary" thing. A lot of other bloggers tried it, and theirs wasn't this twisted. Mine is TOTALLY freaky! Oh well, here it is: MY OBITUARY:

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

One Month Update

2006-10-19T10:17:00.000-04:00

Arie has been home 1 month already, can you believe it? He is doing so well. He knows that we are his family now, and he LOVES his big sister!!! He has been so much fun, and it has been so amazing to watch his personality change over the course of the month. He is really beginning to open up. He's smiling a TON and even laughs out loud now. He is doing much better with "strangers" too. His fear of them seems to be dissipating, which is great. We've even let two other people hold him in the past couple of days and he didn't cry, in fact he smiled at both of them. He still wont touch baby food or rice cereal. Oh well,we'll try again after Halloween. I'm not looking forward to that again. His sleeping issues are a little better. He is on a schedule with two naps a day included, although sometimes he decides to wake up like 10 times during those naps. Ugh. He really isn't a very good sleeper, but my other two children are, so 2 out of 3 ain't bad, right? He is rolling over both ways now, and he can push his chest off the floor now, so sitting up and crawling are right around the corner. We are so proud of him, and we feel so blessed to have him with us!

Although Arie is home, he still isn't legally our child. We have 6 months of supervision where we are visited by our social worker, and our progress as a family is closely monitored. We also have post-placement reports that we have to turn in every couple of months along with pictures. Once we finish the 6 month period, we are allowed to finalize the adoption in the U.S. courts. I think that process takes a couple more months. I hope it's not that difficult! Although I was a paralegal once in my life, I'm not very good at understanding legal jargon. I might have to enlist the help of my attorney friend (you know who you are!) Anyway, after we are finalized we can apply for a U.S. birth certificate, passport, and SSN. The "passport" that Arie came home with was actually a "travel certificate". It's basically a one-way/one time use passport that expired after he entered the U.S. One day we will be finished with all this paperwork, but we still have a ways to go. OH! Forgot to mention, Arie is going to be a chicken for Halloween. He looks SUPER cute in his little costume. Elaine has started calling him "Boo Boo Chicken". "Boo Boo Chicken" is the name of Donald Duck's pet chicken (in case you were wondering... and I'm sure you were). Of course, she calls him "Arie-Punchkins" too. I can't explain that one.

On The Road Again

2006-10-16T10:45:00.000-04:00

So I was up late last night during the 12, 1, 2, 4, 5, 7, and 8 O'clock hours. Elaine had leg cramps (she gets these a lot) and Arie just doesn't sleep. I have a cold so I took NyQuil before I went to bed. Big mistake. I could hardly tell which way was up. I need sleep like nobody's business.

We went to the pumpkin patch yesterday. It was me and the kids (Ben was with his Army unit), my sister and her three kids, and some of her neighbors. Part of my exhaustion today is from that. The most relaxing part of the day was driving in the car because #1)all the kids are strapped down, and #2)I get to sit. Normally the only time I get to sit down during the day is when I'm on the toilet. Does that really count as "resting"? I don't know... but in my book it does.

Although I like our car rides, getting into the car is a different story. I can't remember the days where I could just hop in the car and go somewhere. Now there is SO MUCH thought and effort put into any car trip... even if it's just to the grocery store. First I get the kids ready by changing the boys diapers and making Elaine go potty (which is an argument every time because she never thinks she has to go, but the minute her bottom touches the seat she pees like a race horse), then I start getting them into the car. Arie goes in first because if I try to put the other two in first, then Arie gets a "bath" by my bulldog Gertie. Yuck. So I get Arie strapped in, stick his paci in his mouth, cover him up, and give him a toy which ends up on the floor (along with the paci) before I can even get the door shut. Next is Micah who kicks and screams the whole time because he wants to play outside instead. Basically I repeat the same steps... strap him in (using my full body weight to hold him down because he's strong as an ox and uses every bit of strenght he can muster to fight me), give him a paci, and a toy. Moving on to Elaine. She's fairly easy in comparison. She can at least walk to her own seat and get in... the hardest part with her is convincing her to get in because she, too, wants to play outside.

So, now all three kids are in the car. This means I can get in too, right? WRONG! I have to make Micah a bottle, make Arie two bottles to take with us, pack snacks, and refill the "daipers" section of the diaper bag. Whew... now I'm in the car. But wait... where the hell are my car keys? So I get out, search the diaper bag, search the kitchen/family room, search my bedroom and finally find them in Micah's crib. Hmmm, thanks Micah. Ok, back to the car. As soon as I open the door I get a big whiff of a very foul odor. After sniffing bottom #1 (Arie) I look over and discover that bottom #2 has decided to basically explode. Well, when you're a bottom, and your strapped down tight to a car seat, the only way to explode is up and out. So there is poop all up Micah's back, and down his legs. Great. I leave Micah in his spot while I get Elaine and Arie out of the car. I get them inside, and then move onto Micah. 20 minutes later, after changing both Micah's outfit and mine (because once again he fought me like the ox that he is and managed to get poop all over both of us) we start the process over. Eventually we all get in the car and drive away... only to discover 10 minutes down the road that the freshly packed diaper bag is still sitting on the counter. F_ck.

Explicit conversations with my 4 year old.

2006-10-12T15:11:00.000-04:00

Every morning in my house is a nightmare. I have yet to figure out a way to get everyone up, dressed and fed by 9am, but I'm sure it will come with time. So this morning, after getting 2/3 kids ready for the day, we were in the home stretch when it happened. Me and the kids were in Micah's room getting him ready when the conversation I have avoided like the plague takes place. I was changing Micah's diaper (who is 1 by the way), and he kept poking his boy-parts saying "what's this?". Ever so quietly, I whispered to him "a penis". Of course my 4 year old daughter Elaine heard, and very brightly said "Arie has one too". I said "Yep, he does". Then she said, "Mine is on the inside". As you know I'm a labor and delivery nurse. My daughter knows WWAAYYY more than most children about childbirth, but knows NOTHING about what happens prior to the delivery. I have kept her in the dark about that. Not because I'm scared/embarrassed to talk about it, but because #1) She has a BIG mouth and will tell every other kid in the world every detail she knows, and #2) because answering one question naturally leads to more oh-my-God-my-daughter-is-growing-up-too-fast questions. I don't think I'm quite ready to explain HOW babies get in their mommy's bellies in the first place.

Hoping that further questioning isn't brought on, I decided to honestly answer her question. After 4 years of calling everything below the waist and above the knees a "bottom", apparently now is the time to tell her that word... the word that, to me, sounds like it came from a sci-fi movie. "Bottom" was so much easier. And if I needed to get specific I could just say "the front of your bottom" or "the back of your bottom". With the word "bottom" I've also been able to avoid further questioning about the difference between boys and girls.

So anyway, I took a deep breath and answered her question. I said to her, "No Elaine, you have a vagina". Without a pause she said "I like that word, it rhymes with China.". And that, my friends, was the end of the conversation.

Of course, I had to inform her that we don't say the words "penis" and "vagina" at pre-school. Knowing her though, I'm sure that the other 9 girls in her pre-school class went home today and shouted as they walked through the door "Mommy, I have a VAGINA!!!"

Rice Cereal = Tears

2006-10-11T13:06:00.000-04:00

Since Arie still wakes up hungry so often during the night, we though we might try to start him on rice cereal. Apparently he thought differently. It was a no-go in the biggest sense of the two part word. I had the video camera and digital camera fired up and ready to go... we were so excited... and then.... tears. BIG HUGE croccodile tears. Here are the pictures, in oreder, of Arie during his *torture* by way of rice cereal:

READY...

...SET...

...WAIT! STOP!!! What is this CRAP you just put in my mouth??...

Oh my God, STOP THE TORTURE STOP THE TORTURE!!!

Picture Parade

2006-10-07T11:36:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I got my camera back! Yeah!!! I'm so happy that I can FINALLY share the rest of our pictures from Seoul, South Korea. There are a LOT, so get ready! When I took these pictures, I really tried to capture what Seoul was REALLY like. There are some "touristy" pictures of a royal palace and Seoul Tower... but there are also pictures of people, pictures of the "street art" near where we were staying (one of my favorite things), and some pictures a lower income section of Seoul. Of course there are a few of me, Ben and Arie too! I love taking pictures, it's one of my passions, so I really hope you enjoys these and you get a sense of how amazing Seoul is. By the way, here and here are links to previous posts where I have more pictures from our trip to Korea (in case you missed them).

Housekeeping tidbits.

2006-10-05T20:17:00.000-04:00

After MONTHS of trying to figure it out, I FINALLY managed to post links on my blog! Yeah! Oh, and here are some new pictures of my little man (thanks to my dad). I get my camera back tomorrow... WOO-HOOO!!!

Last but not least, apparently all the stuff in the media about Madonna adopting isn't true. REgardless, I still don't like the way the might-have-been adoption was portrayed (see post below).

The Material Girl

2006-10-05T11:16:00.000-04:00

For those of you who haven't heard, there are claims that Madonna has adopted a baby boy from Malawi... a country in Africa. So far she is denying those claims. Who knows if it's true. I'm sure it will be all over the news for the next few days, and once again, we will hear how international adoption is a "trend". Ugh. Here is a link to the CNN article. I have to say, if it's true that she adopted a baby/or is in the process, I'm happy that another baby has a home. BUT, sickened to think of how international adoption is going to be trivialize by the media and looked at as "fashionable" or "trendy". It's a big debate. On one end, perhaps it will help draw attention to countries that need it, and perhaps it will help find homes for children that need them. But on the other end, it will lead to more people thinking of our adopted children as accessories or status symbols. I think that aspect of it does a dis-service to international adoption, and the children who were brought into the U.S. by their new families.

This quote also made me sick to my stomach:

Rosenberg said there was no truth to statements from the Malawian government that Madonna had chosen to adopt a year-old boy from among 12 children specially selected prior to her arrival in the capital city of Lilongwe on Wednesday.
"She asked us to identify boys only, which we have done after visiting four orphanages in Lilongwe," government spokeswoman Adrina Michiela said, adding that Madonna had wanted to adopt a girl but changed her mind two weeks ago.

The way it is written makes it sound as if Madonna was going to choose the "pick of the litter" from a line-up of purebred Lab puppies. I think it makes adoption look quick, simple, easy, and tacky. The process to adopt Arie from Korea was exhausting and, although fairly streamlined, still difficult at times. Keep in mind that Korea has been working with the U.S for a very long time, so most of the kinks have been worked out. When the U.S. is working with other countries, that haven't been doing adoptions with the U.S. on a routine basis, the process can take years and have lots of bumps along the way. Also, the truth in adoption is that you can't "hand-pick" your child. I don't think you should be able to. We didn't hand-pick Arie. We were given his information and then left to make a decision based on that information. No baby is perfect, and we were open to many issues... so based on our "openness" we were matched with Arie. I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't begin to imagine the guilt I would feel if I went to Korea and had to pick one child out of a line up. How horrible would that be?

The other problem I have with Madonna's possible adoption is the fact that Madonna is a very busy woman. Who would the baby bond with? Attachment in adoption is so important. It's probably the most important issue. We work so hard with Arie. We are constantly reinforcing that we are Mommy and Daddy, through eye contact, skin-to-skin contact, holding, singing, games, etc. Who would do that in Madonna's situation? The nanny? The chef? The driver? Who? Would Madonna have time to hold her new child on her hip for 8 hours a day?

Anyway, we don't even know if it's true, so I guess I won't get all worked up about it now. If it is true though, I pray that she has the knowledge and insight to raise that little boy with the attention, love, and commitment he will need. Here is a link to a website called "A Forever Family". There is so much information on there about attachment, and other adoption issues. Please go check it out.

What are they thinking?

2006-10-02T20:52:00.000-04:00

We took Arie to the mall on Sunday. Aside from my daughters soccer game on Saturday, this was the first time he had been to a really crowded and loud place. He did well. We walked around a lot, ate dinner, nothing big. We ran into a relative of mine (who hadn't met Arie yet) and I let the relative try to hold him. Well, he just about lost it. That was the second time over the weekend that someone else tried to hold him... and he had a breakdown both times. Lesson learned.. DON'T let anyone else hold Arie! The good news is that Arie was looking back at me when they tried to hold him (prior to the breakdown), and once I got him back in my arms he maintained great eye contact. Even if I pulled him against my chest, he would throw his head back to keep his eyes locked with mine.

While walking through the mall though, we got a lot of "looks". Of course I don't' know if they were "looks" or just people glancing in our general direction. I have to say, every time we walked by someone I thought to myself "what are they thinking?" Do they wonder if he's our child? Do they think we're babysitting? Do they think I had an affair and Arie is my illegitimate Asian child? (Ok, I know that's probably not the most common thought, but I still wonder). At one point, when Ben was with our other children, I was alone with Arie in the "play place" at the mall. There was a man who was watching me so intently (and was being so obvious about it) that I wondered if he though I kidnapped Arie from someone else. I know that sounds ridiculous, but he was blatently staring at me and watching my every move. He was probably looking at my necklace or something stupid like that. I don't know. Aside from that creepy guy, it doesn't bother me that we get so many looks and stares when we're in public. It just makes me wonder what the on-looker is thinking to themselves.

I'm sure at some point I will "forget" that Arie is Korean. What I mean by that is I hope it wont always be a conscious thought when we're in public like it is now. (Obviously I will never forget he is Korean, nor do I want to!) It will be nice when the day comes when I think to myself "Gee, I wonder what that person is staring at?" instead of "Gee, I wonder what that person is thinking about our Korean son?"

Biological Vs. Adopted children

2006-09-28T14:39:00.000-04:00

Ok, granted we've only had Arie home for a week, but I've noticed some differences that I think I could talk about. First of all, I am so blessed to have experienced both child-birth and adoption. They are both SOOO different with good and bad differences combined.

We are having so much fun with Arie. IF you have ever had a child, you know that it takes a little while to bond with them. You don't fall in love with them right off the bat. When I gave birth to Micah (my 2nd child) I was surprised that I wasn't crazy about him from the beginning. In fact, I didn't even think he was all that cute. Looking back at his pictures now, I don't know HOW I didn't think he was cute... he was adorable. But I just hadn't fallen in love with him yet. It took me by surprise. I remember being at the hospital and not really caring if he was in the nursery away from me. I was enjoying my quiet time in my hospital room watching t.v. And although I knew he should be next to me, I didnt' really care. Once we got home, it still took a week or two to fall in love. Nightly feedings are just a pain. And sleep deprivation is horrible.

Arie is my 3rd child, and luckily I knew what to expect. I knew that I wouldn't fall in love with him right off the bat... in fact, I know I'm almost there, but not 100% yet. He is beginning to smile a lot more now, and when I talk to him, he coo's back. So we are almost there.. almost completely in love with each other. Obviously he has to learn to love me too. After all, I am a stranger to him. He didn't get "referral pictures" of me, or health reports, etc. He knew nothing about me until we met in Korea.

During the adoption process I wondered if things would be different with Arie than they had been with my two bio. children. For example, when I would get spit-up on by my first two children it didn't really gross me out. Pee, poop, snot, vomit... as a mom, if it's YOUR OWN CHILD'S body fluid, somehow it's just not as gross as it would be if it were, say, your neighbors child's body fluid. Granted, it's always gross, but when it comes from your own flesh and blood... that you gave birth too... it's just not that bad. I honestly wondered how I would react, or how it would feel the first time Arie spit-up on me, or the first time he rubbed snot on my shirt. I can honestly say that it doesn't bother me any more than when Elaine and Micah did it. Yipee, right?? I'm sure you think this is just an entirely disgusting post. But my point is that I worried that I might have different feelings toward my new son. He didn't grow from me, and naturally that makes me question weather I would really, truly love him equal to his siblings.

I can feel the love for him growing now. Every morning I am more and more excited to see him and he is more and more excited to see me. He's been looking in my eyes more, smiling more, and seems to be adjusting well to our very loud/wild/crazy family. He is even starting to laugh out loud a little. He is becoming a member of our family, and it feels just as natural as it did with Elaine and Micah. I am learning his likes and dislikes, and learning what to do to make him happy. I think he is learning that finally, after four months... he has a mommy. I am so glad that God brought him into our lives.

More Pictures...

2006-09-27T14:53:00.000-04:00

More pictures from the batch that we had transfered to a CD. Our camera (with all the others) is still in Seoul!

On the subway
School Girls (all the kids wear uniforms to school)
Seoul
DownTown
Off the beaten path. Notice Kimchee pots on balcony.
Decorative painting used on palaces/etc
Ice Skaters at Lotte World
Street Art
Shops

A few more Korea pictures

2006-09-24T15:39:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Korea!
First Korean meal
Eating my first "Korean" meal
Street Vendor
Insadong
At Kukkiwon

Here are a few pictures from our trip. Most of my favorite pictures are on the memory card that is inside of the camera STILL IN KOREA! So happy it was found, but I can't wait to get it back!

Arie is doing great. He has adjusted to the time-change. He sleeps well at night waking about 2 times to eat. He eats about every 3 hours during the day. He is learning to use his arms more (he wasn't using them well at first because of the way he was carried in Korea on his FM's back... his arms were down at his sides). He is also almost rolling from his back to his belly. He gets tired quickly, but there is A LOT of commotion in my house with 3 kids and 4 pets (2 dogs and 2 cats). We are having so much fun with him.

Our biggest problem has been keeping up with bottles. Between Micah and Arie we are going through like 12 bottles a day. We don't have 12 bottles (maybe 10) so we are CONSTANTLY washing them. Pacifiers are also hard to keep up with. Micah uses a paci ALL THE TIME. Not only that, but he likes to hold on e in his hand while he is sucking on the other. Arie started taking a paci on the plane ride home... prior to that he never used one. Now he LOVES it. So between the two of them, we can't keep up with the pacifiers! I should just buy stock in "Nuk".

This coming Friday is Arie's big appointment. We went to the Dr. over the weekend, but just for a small cold and a couple of questions. His full eval. is on Friday. I hope it goes well.

I can't wait to post more pictures of my boy! My father took some on Sunday, so when he sends them to me I will post them. I think there are even some of Arie smiling :)

Life with 3 kids

2006-09-21T16:42:00.000-04:00

Arie at the airport

Hi everyone! I'm am SO busy with 3 kids... UGH! Going from 2 to 3 is NOT EASY! Anyway, Arie is doing so well. He was AWESOME on the plane. Never really cried much. Everyone was so amazed with him. He did great the first night home, but I think he was just SUPER exhausted. Last night however he was awake from 2-6am . It was awful. Hopefully today we can work on keeping him awake so he will sleep better at night! He's eating alright, but not great. My other 2 kids were excellent eaters, so this is different for me.

Arie is 4.5 months old. He is SO tiny... only 11 pounds. IHe is off the charts (the low end obviously) for weight. He looks like a newborn! He wears size 1 or 2 diapers (depending on the brand) and his 3-6 month clothes are a little baggy. I think he is a little behind with his gross motor development, but I think he'll catch up quickly. Our first DR apt isn't until next Friday. He can roll over from belly to back, but not the other way yet. And he doesn't hold his head up very well when on his belly. I'm not worried though. In our eyes he is 100% perfect!

We're still trying to get a routine established (it's only been 2 days since we've been home). Micah and Elaine are adjusting nicely... we'll mostly Elaine. Micah is still a little jealous, so we've been giving him LOTS of extra attention.

Tomorrow Ben goes to work for a few hours so I will be on my own... keep your fingerws crossed for me!

I'm Exhausted

2006-09-20T13:47:00.000-04:00

We made it home safely! Arie was amazing on the flight. He hardly cried at all. He didn't eat much, but since we've been home he's been doing well. He's such a peanut though... super tiny. Elaine was so excited to see him. Micah, on the other hand wont give me the time of day. He wont even look at me. It makes me so sad, and I feel awful for leaving him for 9 days. Hopefully he will come around soon. Arie LOVES his "nuna" (big sister in Korean). He smiles so much for her. She's been a little overbearing with him, but loves him to pieces.

As for Ben and I, we've had about 5 hours of sleep in the last 40 hours so we are exhausted. We're trying to unpack, but it's not easy with 3 kids! Right now both boys are napping and Elaine is watching a movie, so we're actually making progress.

I promise once things calm down I will update more. We're still trying to get settled in.... AND RESTED!

Goodbye Korea

2006-09-18T00:17:00.000-04:00

Although I am so excited to bring Arie home, I feel so much sadness and guilt. I am sad for Korea... sad for the people that will watch me walk through the airport carrying him in my arms, because they will be watching another one of their children go the the U.S. I'm sad for his foster mom who has loved him like her own for over 4 months. I can't even imaging what she is feeling today. I feel so guilty that Arie is going to go through yet ANOTHER traumatic experience in what has so far been a very difficult life. He doesn't deserve it.

In the end, I will offer as much Korean culture to him that I can... which obviously isn't a lot, but I will do my best. We will strive to incorporate the things that we have learned and grown to love about Korea. I will try my hardest to teach him to be proud of his roots, and proud of himself. Leaving Korea is going to be so bittersweet. It will be hard for all of us involved.

Well, tomorrow is our big day! I miss my other two children so much it hurts. I can't wait to have our whole family together. We have enjoyed ever second of our time here in Korea. We have tried to totally immerse ourselves in the culture. We've eaten food that we've never seem before, gone on walks through the poor sections of Seoul, and done all of the "toursity" things too. I've tried to take pictures for Arie that will give him a sense of what life is really like in Korea. I will never be able to fully explain it all to him, but hopefully through some of my photography, video and stories he will get a good sense of Seoul. I hope that he chooses to come back one day.

Next time I post we will be back at home and trying to get settled... it may be a while until I'm able to post again! Thank you for following our journey this far. It has been an amazing experience with so much more to come. Blessings.

FINALLY some pictures!

2006-09-16T06:17:00.000-04:00

Here he is!!! I finally managed to get some pictures on here!!! HE was asleep when we first walked into the room to see him the other day. The FM woke him up though. We won't get to see him again until Monday (today is Saturday in Korea), and these pictures were taken on Thursday morning. I miss him so miss... and my other two children too.

Today we walked up a mountain. It must have been HUNDREDS of stairs to the top. It was totally exhausting, but very beautiful. At the top of the mountain we could see the whole view of Seoul. It was amazing. That took us most of the day. We also bought Arie his fist Hanbok (traditional Korean outfiy) today. It's beautiful... he'll wear it for special occasions his first year. Asside from our first night here where we had to eat Subway (because we were too tired to look further) we have eaten nothing but Korean food. Although, believe it or not, we have a hard time finding Bulgogi (a very popular Korean dish in the U.S.). We've only been able to find it once!

A couple of things I've noticed about Korea:
1. We (and everyone else) use the subway system to get EVERYWHERE!
2. Every 20 feet there is a different smell.
3. The fashion is totally different (think 80's... EVERYWHERE!)
4. LOTS of color... signs, products, clothes, etc. It's so colorful.
5. There is no RedBull (or any kind of energy drink like that!)
6. Shoes are sold at every turn. So many shoe stands!
7. Some of the food they eat here is really different (like crispy WHOLE squid), but most of it is YUMMY!
8. Every time we see a caucasian person we think to our selves... "is he/she adopting?"... it's funny. OF course that's not the case, but the though stil enters our minds.

I'm sure I'll have more later! Tomorrow is Sunday and we are SO EXCITED for Monday... I can't wait to get Arie in my arms again!!!

2006-09-13T22:31:00.000-04:00

You are going to hate me, but we can't get the computer to upload all of our pictures. So sorry! Anyway, Arie is amazing and still SO SO SO small. HE only weighs like 12 lbs. He smiled for me a couple times, but he LOVES his FM. He also loves to jump... A LOT!!! HE is FILLED with energy (just like my other 2) so he will fit right in with our family. It was so amazing walking into the room where he was... he was fast asleep on a blanket on the floor. I was just in awe... we are so blessed that he is our son. What a great feeling.

We wont get to see him again until Monday (today is Thursday) and then we GET him on Tuesday morning right before our flight leaves. We have LOTS of time to go shopping though!!! Today we are going to go to Kukiwon (Tae-Kwon-Do thing), and maybe to Lotte World to buy lots of things.
I'll TRY to post pictures tomorrow!
(BTW- I'm limited on time so that's why these posts are so short!)

WE'RE IN KOREA!

2006-09-13T07:50:00.000-04:00

We're here! The flight (Korean Air) was awesome... the flight attendants were even better. We've had a few interesting experiences. Here's an example... apparently our toilet is also a bidea (spelling?) well, I don't know that, and as I was standing in front of it trying to figure it out, I hit the "bidea" button and soaked the front of my jeans... ugh.

We tried to go to a resteraunt that served Korea food, but the didn't have any of the dishes we were fimilliar with so we ended up eating at Subway. Oh well. I'm sure we will eat plent of Korean food in the next few days.

Tomorrow morning we meet Arie! I'm so excited. I'll update more with pictures tomorrow!!!

And we're off!

2006-09-11T21:46:00.000-04:00

In just a few hours we leave for Korea! We are all ready to go. My kids (and dogs)are at my in-law's house. It was so hard saying goodbye, but worth every ache. I can't believe that I will get to hold my son in my arms so soon! I plan on updaing the blog, but since blogger doesn't always co-operate so well, I may not be able to post pictures. I will try my best though!

Next time I write I will be in Korea!!!! YEAH!!!

John Thomas McErlean...a tribute

2006-09-11T09:48:00.000-04:00

John Thomas McErlean, Age 39

On the anniversary of 9/11, I believe that everyone should take a moment to remember the lives lost. There were 2996 lives lost that day. Each life was someone's father, mother, sister, brother, daughter, or son. Each life was special, and each life had a purpose.

One of those lives was John Thomas McErlean. He was 39 years old when he died, he was a "New Yorker" from Larchmont, NY. He was a husband, father, and a hard worker... and I have read that he had an "infectious" laugh. He probably liked to play outside with his children on nice days, or take his wife out on a "date" when he was fortunate enough to find a babysitter! He looks like a nice guy... I'm just judging by his picture, but he has a warm smile. Maybe he was the "class clown" when he was younger, or maybe he was the star football player on his high school team. Who knows. But I like to think that no mater what he was like, he was a good person with a good heart... who didn't deserve to die so young.

I hope that on this day, you take a moment and think about all that was lost in those few horrible moments. Not only the lives of so many people, but the spirits of so many others. The country changed, world views changed, and our nation pledged to move forward... I'd like to think we have.

Outside of my house I have an American Flag blowing in the breeze. That flag wasn't put up today though... it's been up. I personally don't feel that there has to be a "reason" to hang up the flag (i.e. Memorial Day, Independence Day, 9/11 anniversary). I think the flag should always fly as a symbol of the pride we have in our country, and to honor all of those who have served our country...including my father and my husband. I am a PROUD American. I am PROUD to fly my flag, and PROUD to show my patriotism. I'd like to think that John Thomas McErlean and the other 2995 lives lost that day would agree with me.

Here is a link to a website with a mission of honoring all 2996 lives that were taken on September 11, 2001. I learned about John Thomas McErlean at that site. I hope you can take some time out of your day to go to that site and read about some of the men, women, and children who died that day. I'm sure John's family, and all of the other families would appreciate it.

God bless the McErlean family on this 5 year anniversary... God bless the other 2995 families... and God bless America.

**Edited to say: I just found this link with more information on John. Please keep him and his family in your prayers today.

Our FOUR Little Ducks (formerly Our Three Little Ducks :)~

Big News for Arie!

Phabulous Photography!!

Yes, yes, I'm still alive... and we have a new baby!

AMAZING ARIE UPDATE!!!

TESTOSTERONE WINS!!!

Arie's developmental evaluation was today.

Attention Mr. Pepto

Leave it to me.

And now for the BIG NEWS!

Tough as nails???

I need your prayers.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

He's getting bigger!!!

Home again, home again.

Update... still in the hosptial.

To the hospital we go... again.

Oh the pain.

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder

Failure to Thrive, and a whole lot more.

UPDATE: Arie's eating nightmare continues.

Insight

LOTS of PICTURES!!!

Oh CRAP... litterally... graphic pics, so beware.

A photo NIGHTMARE!

May 11 = "Adoption Day" in Korea

WE'RE OFF TO NEVER NEVERLAND!!!

BABY JAMES... METASTISIS

No... I didn't fall off the face of the earth!

After 4 days... Micah is home!

Micah was taken by ambulance to the hospital.

Pictures

I AM A NEW...

Oh how I need a BREAK!

Video on Transracial Adoption

Olympic star in tearful reunion with Korean dad

Arie Eating Update

Baby James Update

Baby James Update

OUCH!!

Picture Parade

Busy.

A Little Twisted Humor

1/18 Arie's Feeding Update

When You Wish Upon A Star...

YOU CAN FLY!!!

HELP! We're being eaten by the laundry montser!

My ideas for our healthcare system (in re: adoption)... sad story... and UPDATE on previously mentioned first-mom.

A "first-mother" or the "only" mother?

Just had to share.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

An Amazing Blog

Revenge

Article in The Korean Times

Feeding Clinic

"Holiday" vs. "Christmas"

Misc. (and more pictures)

Ouch.

Arie's Development (after pictures)

Update on Baby James

~~~~~~~~~~Baby James~~~~~~~~~~

"Mia's Saving Grace"... post on Childhood

The Top 101 Things You Didn't Know About Me

Why Mothers of 3 Shouldn't Party!

My Rockin' Baby

Breast Feeding

Picnic Day

The truth.

GO VOTE!!!

10,000

Pictures

Quick Update

An Adoptee's Advice to Prospective Adoptive Parents

My Take on Celebrity Adoption

New Pictures

From the Perspective of an Adult Korean Adoptee

Zzzzz Zzzzz Zzzzz

One Month Update

On The Road Again

*Explicit* conversations with my 4 year old.

Baby James

Explicit conversations with my 4 year old.